Sawyer nodded. “Always.”
“Why did you provoke Seb in the hall last week? I mean, no offense, but you weren't really in a position to do so. You and me were in the wrong in that situation, not him.”
Sawyer pursed his lips and shrugged. “The more I think about it, the less wrong it seems. It seems more wrong for you to be with someone who hurt you as bad as he did.”
Um…What?
He stepped towards me, leveling his eyes to mine and dropping his voice to a whisper. “Maeve, I know we said we would go back to the way things were, and we can, but for my own peace of mind, I really need to tell you something. And I know it isn’t going to change anything, nor is that my intention by any means. But you need to know just in case. I need to say it out loud just once.”
My stomach tied into a knot and then somehow found its way into my throat, gagging me and locking fresh air out of my lungs.
“Sawyer,” I warned, my braid falling off my shoulder with my vigorous head shake. “Please, don’t.”
I can’t lose you. I wouldn’t survive it.
I knew exactly what he was going to tell me.
He took one of my hands, his eyes steady on mine as he pleaded his case. “I have to. If something happens to one of us and I don't say anything?—”
My mind wandered back to Caelestis and all the small details I overlooked between him and I. Specifically when he told me the reason he stayed with me instead of going to fight in Craterra. The single word that lingered on the tip of his tongue was the reason he agreed to pretend like nothing had happened after we kissed—because he’d rather have my friendship than nothing at all.
He opened his mouth, ready to admit what he’d seemingly been wanting to say for so long. So I did what any rational woman would do.
I turned and ran.
I ran straight to Pia’s room, ramming my fist against her door, not relenting until Kohen ripped it open, his eyebrows arched when he saw me.
“Get out,” I ordered, not caring that I sounded incredibly rude. I’d apologize later.
I pushed by him, crossing the threshold that separated me from Pia, then threw myself into her arms and broke down.
Chapter
Thirty-Four
Iwas drunk.
And it was a good thing. I needed to get out of my own head. I needed an escape. Healthy coping mechanism? No. I was out of practice when it came to those. At the moment though, I didn’t have it in me to care.
Pia was stone cold sober. Also a good thing. Someone needed to be rational right now, and that someone was obviously not me.
“Why would he say that to me?” I mumbled, my head resting on her lap, a nearly empty bottle of wine dangling loosely in my hand.
“I mean, technically he didn’t say anything. You're just assuming,” she pointed out.
I held the bottle out to her in an offering, but she declined with a shake of her head.
After finishing off the last drops, I laid the bottle down and threw my arms up in the air, twiddling my fingers around in circles and squiggles. “I’m not assuming anything. He was going to say that he has feelings for me. I know it.”
Pia fiddled with my hair, twisting a small section into a loose braid. “Maeve, I mean no ill will here, but what did you think wasgoing to happen after you kissed him back? He obviously had feelings for you before that.”
“Maybe not,” I countered, though his words from Caelestis pounded against my brain.
Pia pushed me upright, her expression turning stern. “Um. Not justmaybe. He most certainly has had feelings for you for a while. Anyone with eyes can tell that he has feelings for you. And more than justI want to sleep with herfeelings.Realfeelings.”
I felt horrible. I dug this hole that I was scrambling to get out of. I should have known better than to believe things could actually return to the way they were. I was stupid to ever think that they could.
Pia shrugged then said, “Did you ever consider it? Like, what if Sawyer had been your guard instead of Seb?”
