Charlie shrugged miserably. “I guess if it would’ve happened, I would’ve given you a pass anyway. It’s not like it can compare to what I did.”
His words appalled me. “No, Charlie. No matter what you’ve done, you don’t deserve that.”
A skeptical noise escaped his mouth. “Could’ve fooled me.”
“I thought if I… you know, slept with someone else, you would sign the papers and go away. So I went to a bar, and met a guy?—”
“I don’t want any details.” He cut me off quickly. “My mind doesn’t need to go there. It didn’t happen, so that’s all that matters.”
His admission struck me into shock. I struggled to find my next words. “How can you just… forgive me so easily after what I confessed?”
“I don’t know. There’s nothing you can do that will make me stop loving you, Ava. Not even if you did that.”
His genuine affection, ringing with so much kindness, grace, and yes, even love… rendered me incapable. Of thought, breath, everything.
He held the papers in my direction. “I’ll sign these right now if you ask me to. Promise.”
I stared. “I… I don’t know.”
“Ava, you can’t keep doing this,” he pleaded. “This back and forth is torturous. I’d rather go back to Cellblock 9 than keep living this way. Please, make up your mind. Because until you do, I can’t make up mine.”
His words ached with indecision and pain. He’d thought about signing the papers, too, and considered being done with me. Done with us.
I didn’t know if he could. Or if I could. I wanted this to be our choice, but there was a small part of me that was terrified as it was hopeful that no matter how far we tried to run from each other, there’d always be something pulling us back.
To what, though? Everything was destroyed.
My chair squeaked as I moved to my right side instead of my left. “I think… it’s just… oh, I don’t?—”
“You need to take a bath.” He cut me off, words short and sharp.
“What?” I was completely thrown off. What was he talking about?
“You’ve shifted in your chair fifteen times since we started this conversation. I’ve been counting. It’s distracting, and you're clearly uncomfortable.”
I blinked. “You're paying attention to that when I’m admitting that I tried to commit infidelity.”
“I can’t help it. It’s instinctive now.” His eyebrows furrowed. “You haven’t been taking care of yourself, have you?”
“Well no, obviously.” My answer came out kind of bitchy, but I couldn’t help it. Charlie hadn’t just been my husband— he’d also been my caregiver. He’d helped me do so many things I struggled to do on my own— bathe, dress, get around. My exercises had basically fallen by the wayside since we’d split, and my mobility had been significantly reduced. I was stiffer and more sore than ever. Charlie caught on to when I was about to have a flare up before I did. He was that in-tune with me.
Losing his help over the past few weeks had impacted my life severely. Even with the help of palace servants, it couldn’t replace the amount of care Charlie put into me. Nobody knew me like he did. Without him pushing me to care for my disability, I put off a lot of the things I was supposed to be doing to make me feel better instead of worse.
I turned my chair toward the door. “You’re right. I’m sorry, I should probably get going. It’s terrible to talk about this on Christmas, anyway. We can resume this conversation later.”
“You’re not going to make it all the way back to the Ladies’ Court without your muscles seizing up. If you try, you won’t be able to move at all. Just use the tub in the bathroom.”
I wanted to tell him hell no— absolutely not. I had no interest in taking a bath in our former home after another painful conversation, with him waiting outside.
But he seemed pretty desperate, and now that he had pointed it out, I really was suffering. My spine was on fire. Every fiber of the muscles in my back were being sawed apart. I’d been ignoring it for days, putting my physical pain in a box and stuffing it down so I could manage my emotional upheaval, but if I kept pushing, my next flare up would lead me straight to the hospital.
I didn’t have the heart to argue after I’d just told him I tried to sleep with another man. So I caved. “Fine. A quick bath, then I’ll go.”
He was already walking into the bathroom to start the water. The bathroom was steaming when I entered, and he quietly exited once the tub was full, shutting the door behind him without another word.
I could get myself inside the tub now— it wasn’t what I preferred, but I sure as fuck didn’t want Charlie trying to help me in anymore. I undressed, then carefully moved myself from my chair to the tub, sinking down into the water.
It was the perfect temperature, and was filled with bubbles from the sandalwood soap I loved so much. He knew exactly how I liked my bath. So many of these routines were already established between us, because we knew each other so well.
