Charlie unwrapped the paper. He reached inside and pulled out a newborn onesie in the colors that made me think of him— hunter green and baby blue. Nivita and Yapluma, the earth and the sky. The onesie had tiny buttons lining up the middle, and little booties stitched to resemble huskies.
“What is this?” Charlie asked, confused. He didn’t understand what it meant.
“I was going to tell you that I was ready to have kids.” The confession withered out of me. “I know you wanted to be a dad, so I was going to let you know you should get off birth control, so we could start trying.”
He brought the onesie close, holding it tightly to his chest like it was a precious treasure. “I figured you wanted to wait until the Warden was dealt with.”
“He’s always going to be around.” I’d given up on hoping that the bastard would die, because he never would. He’d be a constant in my life forever, haunting me until I gave up my own ghost. “I’m tired of putting my life on hold because we’re always fighting him. I wanted to give us something to fight for.”
My reasoning seemed so silly and selfish now. What a besotted fool I’d been, so in love it’d turned me blind.
“That’s such a huge sacrifice. I was okay if we stayed childless.”
“Being with you made me rethink things.” And it had. I’d slowly started changing my mind after we’d gotten married in Ilamanthe, because the thought of having Charlie’s baby and growing our family seemed like something that could actually make me… happy.
What a stupid thing to wish for.
I sighed and said, “It was probably better that we never had any children. My worries about being a poor mother were right, because look what I tried to do.”
Charlie nodded. “Yeah. I probably wouldn’t have been a good dad, either.”
I didn’t want to judge him. I was only judging myself. I’d been one hundred percent right in my concerns about being a parent, and I should’ve known that all along. It was stupid to hope things could’ve been different.
Charlie placed the gift aside, then opened the bedside table drawer. He took out the divorce papers, clutching them with both hands. They looked a lot heavier, and a lot more serious, than they had before. “What do you want to do about these papers?”
I didn’t know how to respond. “Did you sign them yet?”
“No. But it’s been a month, and I feel bad we’re not moving forward with this.”
I wasn’t sure. I’d wanted a divorce so badly when I’d slapped those papers onto his chest, but I was starting to reconsider things. Was this really what I wanted?
It had to be. Because how could I be with a man who had done such horrible things, to me and others? How could we fix this after so much had been broken?
“What does Oberi think?” I asked. I needed guidance, and perhaps he had some to offer.
Oberi whimpered lowly, and Charlie said, “Oberi doesn’t want us to. But he’s not in this marriage, and it’s up to us to decide what we want. We’re not making any progress on fixing anything. We’ve barely talked all month unless it’s to scream at each other. That’s making the gap between us bigger.”
“I agree.” I didn’t see how this marriage could be saved. Not even a miracle could mend what we’d ruined.
“There has to be some way,” Charlie said. “Maybe we can’t restore our bond, but we could get our marriage back. Slowly, until we’ve worked our way back to how things should be.”
“I don’t know if I want that, Charlie. It’s not possible to go back to what we had with the knowledge we have now. We’re never going to be those people again, and you can’t keep trying to drag me into a past that’s already gone.”
“But can we grow something new? If we can’t go back, we could try starting over.”
“You heard what your grandfather said when he taught you about bond breaking,” I whispered, feeling frail. “Once separated, two pieces of a bond have to live apart. There is no in-between. Our bond is already broken, and there’s no mending it. We don’t have a chance of living together anymore, so we need to separate. Otherwise, we’ll just end up hurting each other.”
“I don’t want to get divorced if there’s a chance we can fix?—”
“I tried to cheat on you.”
My words fell like bombs, striking the room without creating a single crater. They leveled Charlie, caving him inward in a way that displayed clearly on the outside. He stood utterly still, going pale. He looked like he didn’t truly believe me… or at least, didn’t want to.
But what I’d said was real. He needed to understand how serious this was. He didn’t realize the gravity of the canyon between us, and how unfathomable it was to cross. He couldn’t keep trying to repair what was broken off dreams alone. He had to give me more.
Charlie sucked in a quivering breath. “Did you?”
“No. I couldn’t go through with it. I couldn’t even manage to kiss the guy.” I was ashamed to admit it, but I was sickeningly remorseful for keeping this from him. He deserved to know, even if that night had resulted in nothing but more misery on my end.
