What does that mean?
It is possible to contradict yourself,Oberi pointed out.You can feel multiple things at once, things that are true, and untrue. What you want and what you fear are at odds, and you need to choose a side on what to believe in.
But I don’tknowwhat’s true. The feelings are too complicated,I thought in frustration.I don’t want to feel like this on my wedding day.
What does your intuition say?
I tried to swallow the massive lump in my throat again, and failed.I don’t know. Everything seems so loud. I can’tdistinguish between what’s my anxiety, or what’s intuition, and trying to decide what to listen to is only making my fear worse.
Your intuition will never lie to you, Ava. Intuition is quiet, and can be ignored if you so choose. Most likely, your intuition will only say something once, and you know it like a truth in your heart. Anxiety cannot be ignored. It keeps worrying endlessly on a wheel until you are forced to pay attention to it. When your intuition tells you something, even if it is upsetting news, you won’t feel pain, but rather, will be at peace. And peace is not the feeling anxiety provides.
Well, I definitely don’t feel peaceful now. I wish Charlie were here. What do you think he’d say?
Oberi preened her feathers.Why don’t you ask him yourself?
He’d opened the door so quietly I hadn’t even heard him come in. I felt the color drain from my cheeks as I saw Charlie standing six feet away from me.
Ancestors, he looked so handsome. His tailored suit, dress shirt and tie were all a shade of deep black, his hair slicked back. It reminded me of how he’d looked the night of the Villain’s Ball, and the memory nearly swept me away.
He was so… perfect.
But I wasn’t supposed to be looking at him, not for another half hour.
“Charlie, what are you doing here?!” I hissed. I couldn’t believe he’d snuck into the bridal suite.
He didn’t budge an inch. “I knew you needed me, so I came.”
“You’re not supposed to see me before the wedding!” I said in despair.
Charlie smirked. “Well, I can’t reallyseeyou.”
“That’s not the point,” I grumbled. Now we were going to get bad luck for speaking before the ceremony. My nerves were right, and this weddingwascursed.
“I felt you freaking out all day. I tried not to engage, but it became impossible,” Charlie said. “Something’s on your mind. Let’s talk this out.”
I let out a great huff. “Iguesswe can talk. But don’t touch my dress yet. It was supposed to be a surprise.”
“What’s this about?” Charlie took a seat across from me— close enough he could reach out and take my hand, but not get anywhere near my dress, thank you very much.
“I’m just… scared,” I confessed.
“Scared of what?” Charlie pressed. “Is this too big of an event? I knew I should’ve told my grandpa to tone it down?—”
“It’s not that,” I began. How did I get my meaning across without breaking his heart?
I didn’t have to, because Charlie knew me so well that he guessed. “You’re worried this is the wrong decision.”
“Yes? No?” I wondered. “I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense to me.”
I didn’t understand why I felt so anxious. It wasn’t like I didn’twantto do this. I loved Charlie. I’d live for him— I’ddiedfor him. Having this wedding should’ve been easy. For fuck’s sake, we’d been legally married for a year already, and it had been wonderful. I didn’t get why I was so scared to do this, scared to participate in a religious ceremony that, really, didn’t change anything about the structure of our relationship.
But there was a terrible fear in the back of my mind that though this was a happy day, full of joy and love, it could eventually turn into something that I would regret.
Charlie moved closer to me. I did my best to scoot the edge of my dress away. “Pidge, if you don’t want to do this, we can call everything off right now.”
“No!” I insisted. “I want this… more than anything in the entire world. You’re my husband. You’re everything I could ever want.”
“Then why are you so scared?”
