“I’m really tired. We should probably stop.”
And I was. This whole escapade had worn me out. I was actually glad he’d managed to get off, because I didn’t want to take that pleasure away from him, no matter what I was unable to experience. And despite how much I wanted to continue, I couldn’t keep going even if I tried.
Charlie shifted as he moved closer to me. “It feels wrong.”
“You don’t need to feel guilty.” I parted a lock of his hair back. “Your pleasure gives me pleasure.”
“But when you’re lacking that, it’s like something is missing.”
My thoughts turned a little darker, and I immediately shut off the connection between us. I didn’t need to hurt him like that. He already did a lot for me. There wasn’t any reason for him to carry this burden, too.
“Don’t go blocking me out,” he begged. “I hate it when you do that.”
“Sometimes it’s better that way.”
“Just tell me what’s on your mind,” Charlie said. “We should be open and honest.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“That’s marriage. Sometimes, it’s uncomfortable.”
“I know you. You’ll just… think it’s your fault I’m like this, when that couldn’t be further from the truth.”
“I won’t blame myself. I know there are extenuating circumstances now.” He lay on his back and asked again, “So what are you thinking?”
I let out a frustrated breath. “How can this be right? We’re never going to have wild sex again. You know how I love rolling around under the sheets. We can never do that now.Ever.”
“We can adapt,” Charlie said gently. “There’s going to be a long learning curve, but we’ll get there.”
“It’s not you. You’re perfect,” I assured him. “But I’m… not. I came with broken parts already, and now there’s even more to fix.”
“You’re not broken. You’re Ava, and you’re more perfect than I could ever be.”
Perfectly fucked up, maybe,I thought, but I didn’t dare say it aloud.
“I’m going to look at this as an opportunity, and so should you,” Charlie said. “Maybe this could open up new doors for us.”
I scoffed. “You think exploration is going to save this?”
“Well… wedolike being experimental. If regular sex isn’t going to cut it, we’ll have to find more interesting ways going forward. I’m willing to try anything.”
I was intrigued by the idea, but felt too low to get excited about it. Those hours we’d spent having crazy sex in the closet felt so far away now.
I caressed his forehead and realized there was a small bruise there I hadn’t noticed before. “Where’d you get this?” I asked in concern.
“I hit my head on the wall last night by accident,” he explained. “Bad dream. I smacked it pretty hard.”
I passed my hand over it, and the bruise healed immediately. I kissed where the mark had been, determined to keep him close to me until the nurses kicked him out.
I knew sex didn’t define a marriage, and that a lot of couples didn’t consider it a priority. But that wasn’t the kind of marriage I wanted to have. Charlie and I could survive anything. We’d already proved that.
Although I worried how strong our connection could remain if I wasn’t able to be intimate with him in the way I wanted. It changed how I viewed myself, and worse, damaged my confidence, which was cracking into pieces ever since I’d woken up in this hospital.
A long time ago, the Warden had told me personally that the inmates who weren’t reformed by the time they graduated the Institute never left this place at all. He’d promised he’d do the same to me— break me, in order to change who I was at a fundamental level. Back then, I’d sworn to myself I’d stay true to who I was, and not lose myself, no matter what methods he used to make me crumble. Turning into the scared little girl he wanted me to be would mean I’d become the real monster.
I was terribly worried I was already there. Because if the Institute could takethisfrom me… it could take anything.
* * *
