“This doesn’t sound like it’s a recent development.”
“It’s not.” I nearly had to turn away from Lucien as I admitted the truth. “I would’ve put off marrying Ethan if I could, to tell you the truth. But I had to go through with it, because we were royals and it was expected of us.”
“I’ve never heard you admit anything like this before,” Lucien said in shock. “Do you doubt how you feel about your mate?”
“No. It has nothing to do with him.”
“Then why consider moving the wedding?” he questioned. “Why would that ever cross your mind?”
“Because I don’t think that I deserve to be his wife. Or that I deserve his love,” I admitted. “And if I didn’t then, I definitely don’t now, after everything I’ve done. And secretly, inside, I feel like one day he’s going to wise up and realize just how much of a shitty person I am, and end up hating me.”
“Ethan would be pained to hear this.”
“Why do you think I don’t tell him?” I put my feet up on the seat of the chair and wrapped my arms around my legs. “Ice skating was different. There were days my feet bled because I refused to get off the ice. By the time that gold medal was placed around my neck, IknewI’d earned it, you know? I could feel appreciative, because I’d already sacrificed so much, and I knew people couldn’t take it from me, because of what I’d given up.”
“Life isn’t a competition, Emma. Especially not a competition to see who can sacrifice the most.”
“I know. But it feels like it is.” I didn’t know if anyone else on Earth felt this way. It was a weird way to think. I felt so alone.
“If you feel like you belong in the gutter, nothing anyone does or says is going to convince you otherwise,” Lucien said. “And your accomplishments won’t fill the hole, either. It’ll just feed the void within.”
Didn’t I know it. I’d owned a castle and had a crown on my head, and I’d still felt completely unworthy of it at the time.
Maybe that’s why I’d lost it. That feeling had only festered and gotten worse since we’d been kicked off the throne for the second time.
Lucien sighed. “This is a regret I battle with; not being there when you were a child. I might’ve been able to teach you things as a child that could’ve fostered your self-worth early on. Correcting things as an adult is much harder.”
“I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but Mom didn’t exactly make that easy,” I mumbled. “She was always expecting more of me. She put pressure on me to be her entire,perfectworld. To be honest, she kinda made it worse.”
Lucien gave a soft chuckle and nodded. “Evonna is who she is.”
“Fuck yeah, she is.” I huffed and let a leg hang off the chair. “So how do I fix this mess? How do I find myself worthy again when I feel sounworthy?”
“You must make the decision that youareworthy. Act as if you believe that you deserve what you desire, even if you feel that you do not,” Lucien replied. “And eventually, as you modify your thoughts, control your mind and have discipline over your actions, your mindset will follow. There is no magic phrase or key I could give you that will convince you of your worth, Emma. It must be slowly built upon over time, in your own mind. You are my daughter. Your mere existence is all the worth you will ever need, in my eyes. Yet you must convince yourself of that. It could be a lifelong process. You need to accept that.”
I nodded slowly. I got it. Sometimes, you just couldn’t get rid of what was wrong with you. If I had a bunch of broken parts to work with, then godsdammit, I was going to put them back together and use them somehow, because staying in the same place and hoping I’d magically get better when the gods decided it was time wasn’t working.
There was a knock at the door. Ethan poked his head in. “The perimeter around the estate is clear,” Ethan said. “No signs of any enemies, as far as Stefan and I could tell.”
“Excellent,” Lucien replied. “Come, sit with us. I was just about to instruct Emma in some Unseelie magic, which I think you’ll find useful as well.”
Ethan moved to the seat beside mine. Lucien didn’t go to tell Ethan all the shit I’d just vomited out. I was grateful for that.
“As we all know, Unseelie magic is harnessing energy from other sources,” Lucien began. “Emma, think of an emotion— preferably a dark emotion— that you have which you wish to yield power from.”
That was easy. I was sad. I was grieving for Vara, grieving for the loss of my mobility due to my advancing illness, and grieving for the loss of the city I loved. I wanted to release some of it.
“I’ve got it. What do I do with it?”
“Sit with it. Hold it in your chest and see how it feels,” Lucien said. “Then, like you’d draw energy from a crystal, imagine redirecting that energy toward a purpose, a spell. Any Unseelie spell. The energy, depending on how powerful the emotion is, will funnel into the magic and cast it naturally, without any effort from you.”
Sitting with the feeling was the hardest part. When I considered how miserable I was— actually acknowledged it instead of trying to ignore it— it made me want to cry.
But then I thought of how I could change that. What kind of spell could sadness make?
I’d used my sadness as a kind of shield lately, trying to keep everyone else out. Maybe I could change it to be something beneficial, instead of something harmful.
I opened my hand, and a spell bloomed outward from it. It had a blue tone to it, and shimmered like diamonds. The spell expanded outward, wrapping around the three of us like cellophane until it faded beyond what the eye could see.
