“Can you tell me more about the distinctions between Seelie and Unseelie magic?”
“In the past, the fae were divided into different seasonal courts, the Seelie court being spring and summer, and the Unseelie court being fall and winter,” Lucien explained. “This is an important distinction, because spring and summer are times of action. They are the seasons where preparation and activity is held. In fall and winter, the expectation is to rest and wait. Seelie magic requires a lot of personal energy, while Unseelie magic requires trust and patience.”
“Those aren’t my strong suits.”
“And yet you’re still accomplished at Unseelie magic,” Lucien stated. “They have different uses for different times. Our lives change like the seasons. What we need in one time isn’t always what we need in another.”
I nodded. “Okay. So what are we working on today?”
“You know you can pull Unseelie magic from objects,” Lucien replied. “You also know you can pull Unseelie magic from yourself if it becomes too dire, although this results in dire consequences.”
“Yes. The dark necklace nearly killed me when I harnessed its energy during the King’s Contest.”
“There is another way,” Lucien said. “You can take certain dark qualities inside of yourself and use it to channel your Unseelie magic.”
“Like?” I sat back and crossed my arms.
“Certainly there must be something inside of you that you’re looking to get rid of.”
Gods, was there. All the pain. All this suffering. If I could get rid of it by transforming it into power, I was all for it.
“There’s a ritual where you can channel your emotions into salt,” I said. “Babcia taught me.”
I hadn’t been doing it lately, because… whyhadn’tI been doing it lately? It was like I’d forgotten all my teachings in the midst of my depression. As if I thought they wouldn’t work to make me feel better, even though I knew they would.
It wasn’t laziness. It was depression. I was in such a dark hole I couldn’t harness the energy to do things I knew would make me feel better. Somehow, I had to find that strength again.
“The salt spell is useful for getting rid of energy you don’t wish to carry and are overwhelmed by, but this method is more powerful, because it enables you to convert those dark feelings into magic,” Lucien described. “I will give you an example. After your mother left for America, I used my grief over her absence and converted it into power. Using this method, I was able to pull off incredible feats of Unseelie magic.”
“But isn’t that just… ignoring your pain?” I questioned.
“Emotions and feelings are important, Emma, and we shouldn’t ignore them. But what we need to ask ourselves is if our emotions are helping us, or getting in our way. And if it’s the secondary option, then we need to do something about them, because if we stay down for too long, we will convince ourselves that what we’re trying to do is impossible. Once that happens, we give up.” Lucien gave me a wry look. “You aren’t the kind of person who submits. I don’t wish to see you lose yourself.”
Ugh. He knew me so well. “I’m afraid it’s already happened.”
I was tired of analyzing my feelings and trying to get to the root of all my problems. There came a time when talking about your inner demons just led you around in circles, and believe me, I was there.
I was sick. I was always going to be. I had a hard destiny, and I was trying to accomplish some entirely impossible things. I knew I had the capability to do them, but I was denying myself the chance, because I was tired and scared.
“When do you think this shift happened?” Lucien asked.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Somehow along the way, I convinced myself that what I wanted just wasn’t worth fighting for anymore. And I don’t think it was a conscious decision, either. I think that life wore me down, over time, and I forgot about what was important.”
“Have you considered listing off everything you’re thankful for?”
“Gratitude doesn’t work,” I said in frustration. “Ihatelisting off everything I’m grateful for. It feels like a chore.”
“And why is that?”
“I don’t know!” I threw up my hands. “Because I’m an ungrateful bitch, I guess?”
Lucien shook his head. “That doesn’t work. Go deeper.”
I sighed. I had no idea, really, but as I considered the idea, it came to me. “Because I don’t think I deserve it in the first place,” I mumbled.
“Explain.”
I mused on the idea. “I mean… it’s hard to feel grateful for everything I have, because I feel obligated to be thankful, but on the inside, all I feel is guilty— like I shouldn’t have those things in the first place. Maybe other people do, but I… don’t. So sitting here trying to be grateful for what I have just leads to guilt. Because I have something other people don’t, and I didn’t do anything to earn the things I have, or the people I love. I’d do anything to avoid blaming myself, but I do every time I sit here and try to be appreciative of what I have… because I’m just reminded of all the mistakes I’ve made, and that there are other people out there who are suffering, whenI’mthe one who should be experiencing that pain. I condemned all those people in Dolinska. I made the mistake, they didn’t. They should have a home, and be safe. Not me.”
