I thought about Marty. Our place hadn’t been much, but it’d felt like home. I hadn’t been able to pay the rent by myself once he was gone, and the landlords hadn’t wasted any time in kicking me out— after they’d pawned all my stuff. All the people I thought were our friends turned me away when I showed up at their doorstep. They didn’t want to get shot, too, and they figured I was bad news.
I almost wished the people who killed Marty would find me. I’d rather eat a bullet than continue to sit here and freeze to death.
I’d never felt so hungry. I couldn’t remember the last time I had something to eat. This was the kind of hunger I hated, because I couldn’t get used to it. Christmas music played down the street, and loneliness struck me.
Shit. I turned twenty-two today. Happy fucking birthday to me.
I was so unhappy. There was no one in this world who gave a damn about me.
And you know what? I could even live with that, if I had someone in this world to give a damn about. Forget being loved. I just wanted the opportunity to love someone else. To give a shit about somebody who wasn’t myself.
But right now, the cold was almost worse than the constant abandonment I felt. I knew if I was still here by morning, the cops would find another frozen corpse, and I hadn’t survived this long just to die now.
I needed to get warm and get some food in me. If I survived the night, I could do anything. I’d find other guys to con with and other suckers to swindle. I just needed to get off these streets.
I heard the click of heels on the sidewalk. The footsteps slowed as they came in my direction. “You all right, sugar?”
Hope welled within me as I heard the voice of an older woman, probably someone in her forties. There weren’t a lot of good people left in the world, but maybe someone had taken pity on me. I gave a shiver. “N-no.”
A brush of wind swept by my face as the woman knelt down. I could smell her heavy perfume as she said, “A handsome thing like you shouldn’t be sleeping out here all alone. What do you say, sugar? We can keep each other warm tonight.”
I knew what she was asking for, but I didn’t care. I’d give anything just so I wouldn’t be so cold, or feel the hunger gnawing at my insides any longer.
I’d never been with a woman before, but the thought of sleeping in a warm bed again for the first time in more than a month was too tempting to say no to, and need overwhelmed my fear.
I nodded feebly and grabbed the woman’s hand so she could help me up. I was so stiff I wanted to cry. She guided me forward, and we walked one block, then two.
I was so exhausted, but relief overcame my body as a sliding door opened and heat surrounded me. I couldn’t express the intense tingles that surged over my body as the cold slowly began to drain away. It was nearly painful to experience.
The woman had an apartment building at one of the fancier places downtown. I could tell because the floors sounded like they were made of marble, and classical music played on the speakers overhead. We took an elevator up, and I heard the jingle of keys as the woman unlocked her apartment. Lights clicked on, and the woman asked, “When’s the last time you had a hot meal?”
“I d-don’t know.” I was still shivering.
A microwave turned on, and the smell of something cooking filled the room. It nearly dropped me to my knees. She guided me to a chair, then placed a plate in front of me and put a fork into my hand.
I didn’t know what she handed me to eat, and I didn’t care, because I devoured it in seconds. I couldn’t tell if it tasted good or not, because it was in my stomach by the time the food hit my mouth. When I was done eating, the woman guided me behind her. I heard her turn a faucet on, and steam filled the bathroom.
“I bet you’re even more gorgeous underneath all that dirt,” she said. “Take your time, baby.”
Of course she wanted me to shower first. I probably looked like shit. I hadn’t washed in over a week, and the last time I’d managed to get a shower at the local YMCA, a couple of my things had been lifted from my locker. I’d been too afraid to go back since.
She left the room, and I stripped out of my clothes. They practically peeled off my skin. The hot water made me relax, and I started sobbing in relief. This had been a close one this time, and I was damn tired of having close calls.
The bathroom door opened. “I’ve slipped into something comfortable, sugar. There’s no need for you to get dressed. We ain’t gonna need clothes.”
I realized this could be my way out. There were other girls who’d want to take me home.
I could pawn myself out, just long enough to get enough resources so I could get back on my feet and find my own place.
Now that the immediate threat of freezing to death had passed, reality sunk in. Was I really doing this? I could leave now. She couldn’t overpower me.
The thought of going back into that cold weather again instantly made me recoil. No. I wanted to stay inside, in a bed, just for one night.
If she lived in this fancy apartment complex, she was wealthy. That meant she had a couple of things I could steal. Just go in, do the job, and be out of here by morning. Her things would be gone before she had a chance to wake up.
I didn’t know what I was doing, but I figured she had to like virgins, or at least inexperienced men, because she wouldn’t have picked me up otherwise. I couldn’t see her, anyway, and that had to be one of the hardest parts, right?
Maybe I could pretend like I loved her. I thought about the kind of girl that I’d like. She’d have long hair and smell really nice. Her skin would be soft, and she’d have a kind voice. She’d sing me to sleep as I laid my head on her lap. She’d be so small, I could wrap her in my arms and she’d fit just right.
