“Maybe.” I didn’t get this. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate, willing the light particles in the room to form around me so I could disappear. I took deep breaths and tried to calm my mind, like I’d watched Mama do a million times before. I’d seen her vanish right before my eyes with ease. I should be able to do it, too.
I creaked open an eyelid. “Am I invisible yet?”
“I still see you clear as day.”
I slumped my shoulders. “It’s no use. I’m hopeless at it.”
“You’ve never been one to give up.” Ez raised an eyebrow.
“I can’t even feel the magic inside of me. All that’s inside is my Fire, and behind it, my Water. It’s like my healing magic is buried so deep I can’t access it,” I complained.
“Have you talked to Mom about it?”
“Yeah, but she insists Anichi magic is something you have to feel from theheart. It can’t necessarily be taught in a practical way.” I crossed my arms. “Anichi magic is based on emotion, and to be honest, I’ve blocked off all my feelings lately.”
“Well… how did you heal me?”
I scowled. “I didn’t have any other choice at the time. It was either save you or let you die, and the second one wasn’t an option.”
“Then maybe you need to be pushed.” He shrugged. “If you aren’t allowing yourself to access your feelings, then you won’t be able to harness them in order to perform Anichi magic, either.”
“You think so?”
“Yes. My Water magic got loads better once I accepted my diagnosis. It didn’t help me to keep denying that I was sick; it just blocked me. There’s gotta be something you’re not accepting, too.”
I knew Ez was right. I tried to block everything out since Charlie and I had broken up. It’d been too much to feel… too overwhelming, too painful. I could only focus on so much at a time, and managing my bipolar was hard enough on a daily basis. Coupling that with accepting that I’d lost Charlie would make me lose my mind.
But you couldn’t perform healing magic without emotion. It just didn’t work. If I wanted to become a master at Anichi magic, I had to become fluent at facing, and working through, my feelings.
Not something at the top of my list of things I wanted to do. Being numb was easier.
Ez went back to juggling water balls in the air, and Oberi crept up behind me.Your mother won’t be able to help you in this regard.I’ve told you before your healing powers are more related to your demigod abilities than your Anichi ancestry, Oberi insisted.You’re going about it the wrong way.
“How so?” I asked her crossly.
You must find the source, and draw from it. From there, you will be unstoppable,Oberi said.What is the source of healing magic, of its light? It is there where you must begin, at the very start of creation.
I wasn’t sure what Oberi was getting at, but her words were meant to guide me. If I wanted to discover how to heal on command, I had to understand where that power had come in the first place.
But what god, or goddess, could it be? There were hundreds, and not just from my own religion. I wasn’t sure I could narrow it down to merely one. As a demigod, I could search for them, perhaps contact them, and ask them questions. It was merely a question of finding the right one.
Ez practiced for a little while longer, and I tried summoning balls of light until I developed a headache. I barely felt like I’d had the strength to stand. I’d been pushing myself too hard…
Or maybe I’d been pushing myself against what I wasn’t willing to face yet.
“I’m going to lie down,” I told Ez, rubbing my temple. I went back to my cell, and Oberi followed. I slipped into a pair of silk pajamas with soft shorts. Oberi changed into a husky and hopped onto my bed as I yanked up the covers.
Sleep,Ava, he said, lying over my feet.All will be well.
I wanted to. All I longed to do was to shut my eyes and block out the world for a while.
Though as darkness closed around me, there was an innate knowing in my soul that recognized sleep would be all but peaceful.
* * *
Cold. I was so cold.
I could feel the wet chunks of snow coat my thin jacket as they fell down from the sky. I’d been sitting here for so long my pants had frozen to the sidewalk, but I didn’t have anywhere else to go. The shelter was full, like always, and the usual places I went to didn’t have any room. I’d lost a bag of my stuff when some other guy had snuck up behind me and snatched it. I’d had a sleeping bag, a couple of chips, and some gloves. Treasures I couldn’t afford to lose.
