“That’s not true. I’ve seen your paintings. They practically look like photographs,” I said.
“But there are people out there who arebetter,” Marcus pointed out.
“Comparing yourself isn’t going to help you be a better artist, though,” Kallie objected.
“I think your paintings are incredible.Reallydetailed,” Charlie said with a hint of amusement.
“Thanks Char— hey!” Marcus said.
That got a laugh from the rest of us, but Marcus frowned and kicked at the floor. “Jokes aside, it’s really hard trying to find inspiration when you’re in a place like… this. And I know it sounds dumb, but I put a lot of myself into my art. It’s like I cut out a piece of myself every time I finish a project. Sometimes I wonder what’s going to be left of me if I keep pouring everything I have into my work.”
“Your art is incredible, Marcus. You have an amazing talent. I’d be really sad if you gave it up,” Kallie said gently.
Marcus hugged his arms around his torso, like her words had comforted him somehow.
Takahashi said, “It’s understandable if you struggle to find inspiration in your current environment, but what may help is a shift of perspective. There’s always inspiration to be found in even the smallest and most unexpected places, if only you have the desire to seek it out. Don’t be so hard on yourself. The only person’s expectations you have to meet are your own, and you can adjust those expectations if it means achieving your own version of happiness.”
Marcus stared at the floor, and Takahashi shifted in his chair. “Kallie, how about you?”
Kallie’s answer was bitter. “I’m feeling frustrated.”
“And why is that?” Takahashi probed.
“Because I just want people tolikeme,” she shot out. “My own country kicked me out, and I lost the Darke Games, so I figured I could start over and make a new life here. But it seems no matter how hard I try, I can’t get people to notice me.”
Marcus flushed, like he knew she was talking about him. This exercise was going south fast.
“We all want to be accepted and loved,” Takahashi said. “That’s not an uncommon feeling.”
“It’s more than about just fitting in. I want to earn people’s approval,” Kallie said.
“Don’t we matter?” Marcus asked harshly, gesturing to all of us. “It’s like we aren’t enough.”
“I didn’t say that,” Kallie said quickly. “I appreciate you guys, I really do. I’m just trying to be good enough for everyone.”
“You don’t have to be loved by everyone, Kallie,” I said. Personally, I cared very little what people thought of me. There were very few people in my life whose opinion mattered to me. Everyone else could suck it.
“That’s not true,” Kallie insisted. “I have a responsibility not to fuck up again. Everyone looks up to me, or at least, they used to, and I let them down when I got sentenced to the Institute. So Ihaveto be perfect going forward, because I…”
Kallie bit her lip and said, “You know what, never mind. I don’t want to talk about it.”
She was retreating back into herself in a way that I’d found was common for her. Kallie had this obsession with perfection that I just didn’t get. All of us were defensive over our hang-ups, but Kallie acted like being vulnerable was what she was most afraid of. As her friend, I wanted to understand her, but as of yet she was a closed book.
“Fair enough,” Takahashi said. “Charlie, what are you feeling today?”
Huh, good luck. Getting Charlie to talk was like forcing blood out of a stone. I was very grateful for the few times he’d opened up to me.
Charlie sighed and leaned back in his chair. “Tired. I’m always tired.”
I didn’t think that was a very deep answer, but Takahashi pressed him for more. “Go on.”
Charlie crossed his arms and slumped in his chair. “For most of my life, it was all about myself. I was the only person I needed to worry about. But things are different now. I feel responsible for others.”
“Responsible how?” Takahashi asked.
“Like I need to protect them.” Charlie sank lower. “I didn’t know what it was like to care about someone else, because nobody cared about me. I had someone I was close to once, but Marty could manage on his own without me. Now it’s completely different. There are people in my life I need to provide for, people who couldn’t get by without me around.”
I knew he was talking about Oberi and me, but his words weren’t meant for just us. Charlie was speaking about Kallie and Marcus, too. I knew he felt responsible for us as a group, not merely because he was the oldest, but because we more or less followed his lead.
