It sounds insane to say out loud, and I can tell Kaitlyn has never heard any of this because her jaw is hanging open in surprise. If I stop now, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to get through it.
“I didn’t want to believe him, but I couldn’t ignore the proof in front of me. There were the articles, the interview, and just the fact he was alive.God, Kait, he looks so much likeDad too.I think I was so desperate to feel like I belonged, I didn’t question it as much as I should have.” My chest feels tight—like I can’t take a deep enough breath. I wish I could take it all back. “I was so . . .fucking angry.Everything felt like a lie, but I finally had someone who understood me, and how it felt to be different from the people you love.
“I went to the house in Charlotte to look through some of the old shit my parents had kept in the attic, and I found a letter. It was from my dad to my mom. He wrote about how complicated shit was with Kiera being pregnant, but he wanted a life with my mom.” Shame crawls up my spine as I look back out at the ocean, and I’m grateful Kaitlyn’s holding my hand. It’s helping ground me. I’m going to have to tell my parents one day, and I can only hope they’ll forgive me. “I didn’t think. I-I just reacted, and if I could take it back, I would. I started the fire at the house with the letter. Once I realized what I’d done, I tried to go back in to stop it, but it spread too fast.”
“Bailey, I’m so sorry,” Kaitlyn whispers, and I shake my head. I’ve never forgotten the panic that ran through me when I stood there, feeling the lick of heat from the flames.
“I don’t want you to say you’re sorry. I’m the one who should be apologizing because if I’d just fucking told someone what was going on, everything would have been different.” A low, hoarse laugh rattles from my chest, and I’m ashamed of myself. “I should’ve asked my parents outright who Kiera was instead of asking vague questions, assuming they’d want to tell me the truth, despite hiding it for years already. I didn’t tell anyone about Carter because I was trying to protect my siblings from realizing how fucked up our family was. It was wrong of me to be so angry at Mirabelle for taking so much of our parents’ attention, but it was easier to blame her. I quit soccer thinking it might be enough for them to notice how much I was hurting, but they didn’t. I went silent because itfelt like something I could be in control of when everything else was spiraling faster than I could try to stop it. You were the one bright spot in my life at that point, but I was a fucking mess, sunshine.”
She grips my hand tightly, and I appreciate it more than she’ll ever know. “My hatred was a poison consuming me, and Hunter wasn’t wrong to ask if I really thought I could make you happy when I couldn’t even make myself happy. I might not have known it then, but I never would’ve forgiven myself if I’d pulled you down with me. I hated Hunter for what he did, but the worst part was seeing how effortless it was for him to make you happy. It wasn’t right, but he did it because he loved you.
“I don’t think there was anything anyone could have said to make me listen at that point, and I thought everyone would be better off without me. So I left and showed up at Carter’s apartment in Charlotte without a single fucking plan. I stayed with him for nearly a year, and then it came out Kiera was lying about Carter and me being related. It was like my feet had been swept out from beneath me again after I thought I’d found a home where I was wanted. Only it was a lie, and I was the fool who believed it. I didn’t think my parents would let me come back after everything, so I hopped on the first bus I found, and ended up in New York. I didn’t want to be found, and it felt like the best place to disappear.”
Acid creeps up my throat, and I’m not ready to talk about the nightmares haunting the darkest parts of my brain. I might never be ready, and that has to be okay.
“Will you please look at me?” she asks, her voice cracking, and I blink back the tears threatening to fall.It’s going to be okay if she hates you.
I hope Kait doesn’t hate me.
There are silent tears flowing down her cheeks, and her lower lip trembles. “It’s okay, B. You were a kid in animpossible situation,” she says, and while I don’t want her to hate me, I don’t deserve a free pass either.
“I made choices I should be held accountable for, but thanks for trying to make me feel better. There’s nothing that can excuse what I did,” I say, having had plenty of time to come to terms with my guilt. I lean back against the roof, staring up at my friends in the sky, promising an infinity of possibilities.
“Why don’t you want tell everyone where you were?” Kaitlyn asks, reclining next to me.
I knew that question was coming. I guess I should hope that my answer is good enough.
“Because they’re better off without knowing.”
Kaitlyn follows my lead, brushing her thumb back and forth over my knuckles with a gentle, loving touch. I feel better knowing I don’t have to hide everything with Hunter and Carter anymore.
Against my better judgement, I pull my phone out of my pocket and pull up Hunter’s number. I’ve never used it before, and there’s a very good chance he’ll ignore me. Still, I want to try. Maybe telling Kaitlyn the truth is his way of trying.
The text is simple.
Bailey
I’m sorry, here if you need me.
It’s marked asreadright away, but no response comes.
I wake up early the next morning, feeling better than I have in a while. I did a lot of thinking last night while Kait and I sat on the roof in silence, and as long as they’ll let me stay, I’m not going anywhere.
I’m going to get my GED, work on my photography, and figure my life out. And maybe when I’m ready, I can find a way to be honest with Kaitlyn about my feelings for her.
What I’m not expecting is my mother to be in the kitchen pouring coffee into two cups. A warm smile forms on her face as she glances up at me, sliding one on the counter toward me. “Morning.”
“G’morning.” My voice catches, still thick with sleep.
“Late night?” Mom asks, and I know that she knows, even though they got home late. I don’t know how, but she does. I dip my head slightly in confirmation and she continues, “So where did Kaitlyn sleep?”
I rub the back of my neck, feeling my cheeks flush at the question, despite nothing happening last night.
When we came inside, we went to our separate rooms. It was innocent, even if the thoughts I have about her are anything but. “I would assume in the guest bedroom.”
“Just checking,” she says, a faint smile on her face before sipping her coffee. “Are you going to surf this morning? I thought I might join you.”
I appreciate the change in conversation, and I relax a little. “I’d like that, Mom.”
