My mind is reeling as I leave his room, struggling to pull myself together.
None of it makes sense, but maybe Bailey’s right. It might be better for everyone if the truth remains hidden.
CHAPTER TEN
Bailey
NOW
The weightof last night hasn’t fully sunk in, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. It might give me a roof over my head while I sleep, but at what cost?
I have no idea who I am, and even if I did, I’m not sure I’m someone worth knowing.
Pulling my hood over my head, I adjust the straps of my backpack as I fall into step with the crowd of people on the sidewalk. I’ve gotten good at disappearing by keeping my head down, wearing neutral colors, and trying not to draw any attention to myself.
New York City was the perfect place to hide from my family. I’m one person out of millions, so I think the odds are in my favor when it comes to staying in the shadows.
Each step feels heavy today, but I’m afraid of what will happen if I stop moving. I’ll take the summer heat over the unforgiving temperatures of winter.
If I weren’t able to feel my heart beating in my chest, I might wonder if I’m even alive still. Half the time, I feel like a phantom hovering over my body. The days all bleed together, but each night feels like a new scar etched into my soul.
I think I’m past the point of being saved.
I should make the two crumpled twenties in my pocket last and focus on replenishing my stash of protein bars. Still, I can’t stop staring at the burner phones behind the cashier. A phone is the last thing that should be on my radar. It’s been a few weeks since I checked in with JJ, but I need a reminder I wasn’t always a horrible person.
She might be the only person who always saw the best in me, even when all I showed was the worst.
JJ has always been good at math, but I’ve always had a knack for numbers too. It was easy for me to remember passwords, addresses, but especially phone numbers. I never could’ve guessed I’d have a reason to need them memorized.
Ducking into the alley behind the shop, I lean against the brick wall while pulling the cheap flip phone out of the cardboard box.
The time the phone takes to power on is enough for me to second guess calling Kaitlyn.
Will she answer? If she does, will Kait be happy to hear from me?
My fingers are shaking as I dial her number, and I wish I’d thought more about what to say.
The last time I spoke to her was that night on the roof. I was awful, and I regret it. I regret so many things, but being in New York is my penance.
An apology rests on the tip of my tongue as the line rings and rings.
Out of all the horrible mistakes I’ve made, choosing to call Kaitlyn might be my most selfish one. It’d be different if I were calling to make things right with her, but I’m not.
“Hi! Sorry I missed your call. If you want to leave a message, I’ll try to get back to you, but a text is probably faster.” Kaitlyn’s quiet laugh at the end of her voicemail makes mystomach churn. I hang up before a voicemail can record any proof of the call.
She didn’t answer.
I didn’t block the number, but what reason would she have to suspect the call was anything other than spam? JJ claims our family is trying to find me, but I can’t imagine anyone thinking to check Kaitlyn’s phone records.
There’s a part of me that hopes they might, though. I want to go home. I don’t want to be a walking corpse, rotting on the inside from the mistakes I’ve made. I want to tell my parents I’m sorry, and tell Hunter I love him as much as I hate him. I’d make things right with Mirabelle, and thank JJ for always answering the phone.
I’ve been gone for over a year now. If my family knew the things I’ve done, they’d never forgive me.
I’d only hurt them when it’s the last thing I want to do, especially since I’m the only one to blame for all of this. I made choices, and now I have to live with the consequences.
The voice in the back of my head is quick to remind me of the role Kiera played, manipulating Carter and me like marionette dolls.
I shove the phone in my pocket, and a sob catches in my throat.
