I hope she’s happy.
It’s the middle of the night. My heart is still racing in my chest, and I’m staring at the ceiling, trying to remind myself I’m home now. I’m surprised Javi isn’t gripping my shirt in his sleep, but he’s somehow still fast asleep next to me.
My parents asked him if he wanted to try sleeping in the guest room across the hall, but he started crying and refused tolet go of me. They meant well, but I think this is something we’re going to need to ease him into.
I don’t care if Javi sleeps in here, but it broke my fucking heart when he asked if it meant I didn’t want him anymore.
When we lived on the streets, he’d fall asleep holding my shirt because he was terrified I’d leave him alone again.
It probably didn’t help that Javi had a big day at the doctor’s office. We have to wait another week to see the cardiologist, but it made me feel better when the pediatrician said I did the right thing by bringing him home.
My shirt and the sheets are sticking to the cold sweat coating my skin, and a shower sounds like the best way to clear my head.
Fuck, I feel disgusting right now.
I slide out of the bed, careful not to jostle Javi. I don’t want to wake him up, but I don’t stand a shot in hell of falling back asleep.
Thinking about my living nightmares is the last thing I want to do right now, but the only way I’ve ever been able to soothe the chaotic frequency of my mind is by thinking of Kaitlyn.
Except I don’t want to think about her either, because I can’t stop picturing the way Kait looked at me when she said she missed me so much it made it hard to breathe. I hate how angry she was, but it still took everything in me to resist pulling her against me to offer her every piece of myself I have left to give.
The thought of ever being able to reconnect with Hunter is what kept me from acting impulsively.
I flinch under the cold water, resisting the urge to bang my head against the tiled walls because I can’t get her out of my head. I would’ve told Kaitlyn everything if she’d asked me again.
I remember the feeling of her soft lips on mine. I hate theway she makes me feel when I’m with her, but I hate even more that she’s still my happy place. I hate how infectious her laughter is, and the way her joy radiates like pure sunshine.
I press my palm against the cool shower tile, gritting my teeth as I force myself to stay under the piercing spray.
I hate the way she can make me smile, regardless of my mood. I hate the way her dark hair curls in the humidity. But most of all, I hate that I want Kaitlyn more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life.
The painful truth I’ve been trying to run from is, even after all this time, I’m still in love with her. I have no intention of hurting her or Hunter—despite what he did. I want to be better to my brother than he was to me, even if Kaitlyn is the price I have to pay.
I’m terrified of being back here—of calling this place home again. I don’t want to break the promise I made to myself that I wouldn’t hurt my family anymore.
Washing off quickly, I dry myself off before slipping into a clean pair of boxers and shorts. I’m not tired at all, and I want to avoid waking Javi if I can.
When I was younger and needed to think, I used to climb out a window on the third floor that led to a flat section of the roof. I’d sit and watch the stars and the moon, wondering how lonely it must be up there with everything so far apart. I did it a lot, too, when I was in the camps, keeping watch to make sure none of our shit was messed with. It gave me comfort knowing the same moon I was looking at would also be the same one watching over my family.
My footsteps are soft as I go up the stairs, only to find the window is already open.Since when does anyone else in my family come out here?I start to climb out, taken aback by the sight of Hunter sitting there, his hair nearly white under the glow of the moon. Before I can decide whether to join him or try my hand at sleep again, he turns in my direction.
I thanked him earlier for taking care of my board, and Hunt seemed uncertain, like it was a test. I was surprised to see my board in flawless condition, and learning my twin was the one who took care of it contradicts everything he’s said in our short exchanges.
“You coming out?” he asks, his voice lacking any venom.
“Yeah.” I swallow the lump in my throat, climbing out fully to join him.
It feels weird to have someone else out here with me. Aside from the night I ruined everything with Kaitlyn, I’ve only ever been out here alone. This isn’t exactly helping me clear my head. Honestly, it’s only making me feel guilty I was just sorting through my feelings about his girlfriend.
“When did you start coming out here?” I ask, a few minutes after settling in the spot next to him.
Hunter shrugs next to me. “After you left. I saw you come out here one night.”
“It’s peaceful,” I say, looking up at my friends—the moon and the stars.
“It’s a good place to think.”
I agree wholeheartedly. It’s the whole reason I used to come out here. The sound of the waves crashing on the beach is audible, even up here. It’s a nice night with just enough of a breeze to keep the humidity at bay. Hell, it’s why I came up here tonight.
