I would never want to put our friendship at risk, especially when she’s one of the few people I feel like actually sees me. So I’ve shoved my feelings down, willing to take the pieces she gives me.
It’s not easy, but I’d rather have her in my life than not because I told her about my stupid crush.
It’s killing me to keep Carter a secret from her, but I don’t want to tell Kaitlyn and put her in a position where she has to keep it from Hunter. I’m glad he doesn’t have to see our parents differently yet, because I don’t know how I can trust anything they say.
My plan today is to avoid everyone and keep to myself while I sleuth further into my parents’ pasts to find something that discredits Carter. But everything I’ve learned from the questions I asked my parents and from Carter with his supporting evidence, I keep coming back to the same conclusion that Carter isn’t lying.
It’s easy for me to slip away into the stands while everyoneis preoccupied with puppies and children needing their help, when my phone dings with a notification.
Carter
How are you doing?
My vision instantly blurs because I think he genuinely wants to know. I wish I could slip away to meet with him, but instead, I blink quickly before typing out my response.
Bailey
I’m hanging in there.
wby?
I look up, spotting Mirabelle climbing the stairs, but I don’t want to talk now. I look the other way, hoping she might continue ignoring me. I’m not sure what I want these days. When I want them to care about me, it seems like I’m the last thing on their mind. When I want them to leave me alone, they won’t.
Mira sits in the seat next to me, but I refuse to give in right away, despite how much I want to. I don’t want to talk only when it’s convenient for her.
“Hey, B,” she greets, her voice cheery. At the same time, my phone vibrates in my hand. I stay silent, hoping she might get the hint. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, she doesn’t. “How’s soccer going?”
“Fine.” I scoff quietly under my breath, crossing my arms over my chest. I wonder what she would say if she knew I quit earlier this week?
It’s been months since she came to one of my games, but don’t worry. She’s been there for most of JJ’s and Hunter’s. Why’d I have to be different, fighting against my father’s legacy?
If only I were more like them, and less like me.
“Do you know when you’re going to visit Duke? I could ask for the day off if it’s during the week.”
It feels like Mirabelle’s twisting the knife a little deeper by bringing it up now.
“No.”
Is she only offering because it’s Duke? God, I’m so fucked in the head right now. Was it a mistake to quit soccer? It’s not like anyone’s noticed except Hunter, and that’s only because one of his friends is on the team and asked him why I quit.
I open my mouth to explain everything wrong, but I watch the field in front of us, seeing Dad throw a football around with Hunt and some of his old teammates while they play with some of the older kids.
“So—”
I snap, finally turning her way, content to use her as an outlet for my anger—and I hate myself for it. “Just go back to your boyfriend and your perfect life here so you can continue forgetting about the rest of us. We don’t need you.”
Mirabelle flinches backward, not understanding my anger. She sputters, trying to find her words as the anger in me threatens to lash out again. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to hurt her. “Bailey?—”
The best thing I can do right now is walk away. My mouth and temper don’t get the same memo as I stand, shoving my hands in my pockets. “I didn’t even want to fucking come today. Mom and Dad made me because that’s what Walkers do:we’re there for each other always.” I can’t help the bitter laugh that comes out of my mouth because it’s just all sofucked. I drag a hand through my hair before asking a question I shouldn’t. “When have you been there for me lately?”
“I’m sorry I’m not living at home anymore. I’m sorry I haven’t visited, but I’m always here for you, Bailey. I love you. I’ve been calling and texting, but I can’t be there for you if you won’t pick up the phone.” Mirabelle stands to close thedistance I’ve put between us, but I step back, the lies I’ve learned begging me to spill them to her. As hurt as I am, I don’t want to hurt her too.
“Just leave me the fuck alone. You’ve gotten pretty good at it.”
“B, that’s not true,” she tries to argue, but all I can think about is how I’m trying to protect her right now.
I turn away from Mirabelle, escaping in the opposite direction so she can’t see the tears escaping against my will. Maybe if I tried to be more like JJ and Hunter, and didn’t push Mira’s buttons all the time, she’d like me more.
