“Like you’re living at home again?”
“Mhm.”
“Well, I don’t know about you,” she replies. “But I promised myself that I would never go back to living like that. And you have Nina to think about, too, right? You don’t want her growing up thinking this level control is a normal thing for a man to have over you, whether it’s her father or her boss...”
“Yeah, of course,” I agree, a twinge of guilt in my stomach. As much as I want to think that all of this is primarily my own issue, the truth of it is that kids pick up on so much more than you give them credit for. My daughter could have already caught on to the fact that he has so much control over us, and I don’t want her to think that’s what she should expect.
“Do you need me to help?” she asks, lowering her voice slightly, clearly concerned. “If you want me to send someone…”
“No, no, I just needed to talk,” I reply quickly. I have a feeling that, if I let my sister into all of this, she will work out that there is something physical going on between Alex and I, and I really don’t want to have to explain to her that there are some versions of his controlling nature that I actually enjoy.
“Are you sure? Because you know if you need help, I’ll be there.”
I rub my hand over my face. I know she will, of course. She always has been, just the same way I’ve for her. But I don’t know what she can do in all of this. Alexei has it in his mind that he has to keep me under surveillance at all times, and the kids are caught up in it. I don’t even want to think what might happen if Itry to set foot outside this place again. I can already imagine the way he’ll explode.
Something needs to change, but I don’t know what. We’re at a stalemate right now, and I can’t get him to see the truth of what I need. I could come clean to him about my past, but I don’t know how much that would help. Maybe the best I can do for now is keep my head down and hope that he will loosen his grip eventually, even if that is starting to feel less and less likely with every passing day.
“Anyway, I don’t want to talk about me anymore,” I tell her, shaking my head to try and dislodge the thought and turning back to her. “What’s been going on with you? How’s work...?”
And, as she starts to fill me in, I flip over on the bed and stare at the wall, listening to her familiar voice and trying to remind myself of the world that exists beyond the bounds of this place.
Still, my sister’s voice feels like a stark reminder that there’s so much going on out there, so much of the world for me to dive into if I can just figure all of this out. Maybe it would be easier if I didn’t feel the way I did about him, if there wasn’t this clenching, urgent need to be close to him—if I could’ve just walked away and left it all behind, maybe it would have been tearing me up inside less than it is right now. The thought of being so far from him scares me, for more than just the reasons that I know he is so obsessed with right now.
But, as it stands, I know that I cannot just leave him. It took us years to find each other again, for better or worse, and I refuse to step aside and just let all that go. The connection with have, as marred as it is by his obsessive ways, is not the kind of thing I can find just anywhere with anyone.
I’m all too aware of that fact, all too unwilling to let it slip through my fingers...
Even if it might cost me my freedom.
23
CARA
I peep into the kitchen,where Max and Nina are drawing together. There is a large art book open on the table before them for reference, and I smile slightly as I watch them hard at work. They are so focused, I know that I won’t be disturbed when I slip off to the bathroom to do what needs to be done.
And to figure out if this period running late is something I need to seriously concern myself with.
I didn’t even notice, until a few days ago, that I had missed my period entirely. In fact, I had been so distracted by keeping on top of everything, it had seemed impossible to focus on anything other than the matter at hand—taking care of the children, trying to navigate the new security he has brought in, and attempting to find a way to convince Alexei to meet with me so I can point out how little he needs all of this.
I’m certain that my daughter is already beginning to notice how the walls are closing in on her, and I don’t want to have to explain that there is no chance of any of that changing anytime soon.
But then, a couple of nights ago, it hit me that I haven’t had my period in two whole months. And so much has been going on, it could easily be stress causing this to happen. Could easily be nothing. But I couldn’t get it out of my mind that there was something more pressing going on here, and I would do anything to calm the rushing in my mind that insists something more is happening inside me.
I managed to convince Marsha to get me a pregnancy test. She agreed to pick a couple up for me on a pharmacy run, and, when I grasped her arm and pleaded with her not to tell Alexei, her face softened for the first time since I’d met her.
“I know,” she had replied gently, patting my hand lightly. “You have nothing to worry about. I won’t say a word to him.”
“Thank you,” I breathed.
She seems to know everything that was happening in this house, and it wouldn’t have surprised me if she had caught on to the fact that there was something going on between Alexei and me. I’m just glad that she doesn’t seem interested in carving out more than she already has. I don’t want to have to explain it all to her, the weight of everything I’ve been through, the strange draw that pulls me back to him no matter how keenly I try to resist it.
Though he seems to have been able to push that aside with great ease, given that I’ve hardly seen him the last couple of weeks, since he rescued me from Vinski’s grip. He has checked in on Nina, made sure that she is recovering well, but that’s about all I’ve heard from him in the time since he got us out. Is that all that matters to him?
I’ve turned it over more times than I would care to admit inside my head, mind racing.
I unwrap the pregnancy test that is stuffed into my pocket as I slip into the bathroom, locking the door behind me to make sure I won’t be disturbed. I don’t want to have to explain to Nina or Max what I’m doing here, not really. I can’t even imagine how confusing it would be, especially for Nina, to have to consider the possibility of another sibling. Not that she even knows about the one she has now, of course, since I haven’t exactly sat down and told her everything that is going on with Max.
Fuck, this is all such a mess, and now, if I’m pregnant...
