Looking over my shoulder, I make sure neither of our parents is in earshot. When I’m satisfied we won’t be overheard, I take Jenna by the hand and lead her to the living room.
“Jenna, are you in trouble?”
She sighs. “No, I promise I’m not. I just have something to tell you, and I don’t want to wait, okay?”
“Alright. Once we’ve had lunch, I’m all yours.”
The interaction has left me feeling weird. Jenna gives me another small smile and heads outside. I follow and do my best to get back into the spirit of the day. Mum and Dad are busy fawning over Bella and Pia. Mum asks where Becca is, but we still don’t know. Bella messages her but doesn’t hear anything back during lunch.
When we’ve finished eating, I stand and tap my beer bottle. “Can I have your attention, please?”
Everyone stops their conversations and turns my way. When I’ve finished explaining about the gallery show, I’msurrounded by arms squashing me and squealing in my ear. The only person not excited is my sister.
What the hell does she need to tell me?
4
Sloane
Rattling the pill bottle, I shake out my daily dose of anti-anxiety meds. There was a time I struggled with the idea of needing a pill to help balance me out. I worried about what people would think of me, and honestly, I thought badly of myself. I couldn’t understand why my brain wouldn’t just push through and be normal again.
My therapist spent a lot of time talking me through my thoughts and helping me get past my hangups. Thanks to her I don’t think twice about taking medication now, not when it’s helping me return to some resemblance of my former self. I know I’ll always struggle with stress andanxiety, but I’m in a much better place to deal with it. I no longer push the people I love away. Sure, I still have the intrusive thoughts that make me feel like I shouldn’t put my shit on other people, but I’ve got the tools to deal with them now.
Today, the past two years are firmly back in my present as I wait for Becca to arrive. She doesn’t know I’m here, and that makes me nervous, but my mom reassures me everything will be okay.
Checking myself in the floor-length mirror, I give my newly shortened hair a quick fluff. My appearance doesn’t matter, but I need to do something to help tame the nerves.
It’s been a week since I returned, and I’m settled in the pool house. Mom and Dad have given me space but check in regularly. So far, the reintroduction to my life is going well. Well enough that I’m ready to face my friends…and beg them for forgiveness.
Seeing them all in one go isn’t possible for me. One angry face is more than enough, so I plan on going through them one by one, starting with Becca. Putting Eden to one side, Becca is the person I hurt the most. She’s been my best friend forever, and I ghosted her when I knew she just wanted to make sure I was okay. Unfortunately, Becca was another casualty of my mind playing tricks on me.
“Sloane, sweetie, Becca just pulled up,” Mom shouts out the back door of the main house.
Looking at my reflection, I give myself a mental pep talk. No matter how mad Becca gets, I’ll suck it up and endure it. Even if she screams and shouts, I’ll take it on the chin. I’ll take it all if it means I can have her back in my life again.
Eden, on the other hand, is a different matter. I desperately want her back in my life. That goes without saying, but the idea scares me to death. She’s always seen me, entirely, and known what I need. Even when it broke her heart, she gave me what I asked for two years ago, and I took it and hurt her even more by dropping off the face of the earth.
My worry is that she’ll forgive me because she’s a good person, and I’m not sure I deserve it. On the flip side, I worry she won’t forgive me and I’ll have to live without her. Yes, I’ve had to do that for two years, but within that time, I had to focus on getting better, rather than solely on my heartache. With my anxiety under control, I’m only left with the hurt I caused us both. Out of all the pills I have to swallow daily, that’s the most difficult one.
“One minute at a time, Sloane. Becca first, then Eden,” I say to myself before leaving and walking over to the main house.
Stepping through the doors, I hear Becca in the entry talking to my mom. Another thing I feel bad about was asking my parents to not talk about me when I was in college. It wasn’t fair on them, especially as they think of Becca as a surrogate daughter, but they did as I asked. I think they were just so scared for me, and they didn’t want to risk sending me off the rails any further. My mom still talked to Becca over the years, I know that much, and I’m glad she did. At least Becca had some connection to me, even if I couldn’t receive it myself.
“Mrs. B, you look gorgeous! Is that a new haircut?”
I smile because I love hearing Becca and my mom together. Hearing their easy conversation flow causes a swell of pain in my chest. I’ve missed out on so much, but as my therapist reminds me, my mental health had to become my number one priority.
“It is. I decided to go a little shorter. Do you really like it?”
“Hell yeah I do. Seriously, you look hot!”
Mom laughs along with Becca. Their voices grow louder as they approach the kitchen. Their footsteps stop as I presume Mom wants to pre-warn Becca that I’m here.
“Becca, honey. There is a reason I asked you over today.”
“Lunch?”
“Well, yes, I’ll feed you.” She laughs. “But there is another reason.”
