Please
Are you really that weak?
Why won’t you answer me?
I need you to really try
Try or else it’s goodbye
I finally broke through the smoke that had been obscuring the platform as I’d waited on the lift, the screams of the crowd causing an incredulous smile to vibrate on my face as I sang the last two words of the chorus.
So goodbye
The smoke fully cleared me as the instrumental of the song took over, the wails and hollers of the crowd going absolutely wild as I stood there in the middle of my diamond shaped stage and took it all in, while I had a moment during the instrumental break.
Seats in the stadium were filled with the gracious fans that had decided to spend their night with me, and it was mind-numbing how many seats were filled with roaring supporters.
Looking out into the crowd, I was getting a little teary-eyed. This had been all I’d ever imagined it would be. Headlining my own tour was something that had been an unrealized dream for so long, a friend that I thought about when I had trouble sleeping at night for many years. Now? My dream wasn’t unrealized anymore, it was happening before my eyes.
I couldn’t believe all I’d overcome to get here. All the bullshit with my mother didn’t matter in this moment. The complications with Van were a distant memory, at least for now. I was on stage, singing the music I’d written, telling the stories I’d endured, in front of a massive fucking crowd.
All the fame happening to me suddenly didn’t feel so suffocating. It felt right. It felt like I’d made it.
Hoping no one would notice, I swiped away the tear that was threatening to fall as I angled the microphone back toward my face so that I could transition into singing the bridge of the song. I’d let this song have a more traditional moment later, but the tour opening version of it was just the chorus and the bridge, and one final chorus before it was over. So, with what felt like a million eyes on me, I prepared to sing again. It was wild to think I was nervous just a few moments ago. This time with such a renewed gusto, I started singing.
“Yes, I will, I’m going to change”
The hymn you never got to praise
“Filthy trash, you’re just a mistake”
My favorite lullaby heartbreak
I’m leaving now, my final bow
Hope you find happiness somehow
But for fuck’s sake
The weirdest sensation came over me as I started to sing the chorus one final time, making sure to combine the light choreo now that the backup dancers had filled the stage with me. I had this uneasy feeling that someone was watching me.
Which I knew sounded fucking stupid, because more than fifty thousand people were watching me, but this felt different. It felt exactly like it had when Van and I had been at Spider Way. This stare felt intense and full of malice, and it had to have been coming from nearby because there’s no way I’d be able to feel something like that from the crowd.
Except I didn’t have time to think about it, because there was nothing I could do right now. I was performing, so I made sure to push it towards the back of my recollect so that I could execute the perfect finishing move for the song.
The dancers and I hit the ending pose forAre You Really That Weak?, the humbling cheers of the crowd reaching us as all of our chests heaved from the rigorous movements. Lights started to shift, letting me know that the next part of the tour was about to commence. The backup dancers started disappearing from view as I sauntered closer to the beginning of the stage. I grasped my microphone tightly and started to address the audience while I walked to hit my mark.
“Hello, Nashville!” I smiled obscenely as I stopped in the spot I was meant to, letting the people in the stands adjust to the fact that I’d just addressed them directly. Their roars were loud and intense, but I was absolutely feeding off of it.
This was the most exhilarating feeling in the world. Sure, I was nervous about messing up, but not enough to keep me from the elation that being on this tour was giving me. And now that I was finally in front of the fans, I felt like nothing could go wrong. Not even that weird feeling I’d been feeling. I still felt it, but I was ignoring it. I had too much good going on for the bad to take focus.
“I’m Alistair, thanks for coming tonight.” More applause and shouts of excitement poured over me from the stadium seats. “It means the world to me that you’re here spending your time with me to celebrate the opening night of the Cutting Diamonds tour!” I chuckled to myself, in awe of their response. A guy could get used to being cheered on constantly. “I’m super excited to get to play you music from both myDreamsandDiamondsalbums, but first, just a huge thank you. None of this would be possible if you hadn’t decided that spending a January night with me was the best way you could spend your time.”
I looked out into the crowd, soaking in their noise and clapping, sweeping my eyes over the sheer amount of people in attendance. I didn’t know the official number, but I knew this stadium could hold right at sixty-nine thousand people. The factthat anywhere near that number could represent the amount of people here for tour was overwhelming in the best way possible. If I focused on it too much, I knew I was going feel more tears popping up. So instead of allowing that to happen, I went on with the speech I’d prepared.
“Speaking of January, I want you to scream at the top of your lungs if you were born in January, okay? Alright, three, two, one, scream!” The crowd followed directions well, a sweep of focused hurrahs from across the open room. “Ahh, so we have quite a few Capricorns and Aquariuses in the audience tonight. Which means you guys are lucky enough to have the birthstone of garnet.” Some people within the crowd started to cheer louder, catching on to the setup I was heading toward. “And that’s such a beautiful birthstone, baby.”
There was a massive sting to indicate music was about to happen, and I could hear the countdown in my inner ear going off as the audience cheered for the start ofBirthstone Baby. I turned around, heading to my new mark as the dancers started to appear back on stage.
