Van was a different story. He’d asked me again the other day about wanting to talk, and while I wanted to talk more about what had happened at the hotel and what we needed to do and say moving forward, but with the tour schedule, it was sort of impossible to take a single second to talk.
I’d been particularly tired the day he’d approached me, so I asked if he minded if we waited to speak, and he agreed. I hated to keep pushing him off, but this tour was a big deal. I’d never toured before with my first album, and since I’d blown up online, this was going to be most people’s first introduction into how Alistair Finn put on a show.
I was proud of the show we’d put together, and I couldn’t had done it without Cherry, the backup dancers, the crew that worked at the stadiums, hell, the truck drivers that were going to haul the stage to each venue.
Priyanka had gotten me a sweet setup for traveling to each venue, though. I’d figured we would get an RV and just road trip it, but Priyanka had suggested flying private. Flying economy was out of the question. I’d tried doing that shortly after myfame had blown up and it had been a nightmare. That’d actually inspired Priyanka to suggest getting me a security guard.
She’d apparently found a pilot that was retiring from flying soon, so he was giving us a great deal for his final bow of flying. I said I didn’t care how I got to the different stadiums, as long as I got there, so I was set to meet the pilot after these two nights in Nashville. Priyanka was gracious to meet and vet him so that I didn’t have too, which I was eternally grateful for.
Standing backstage, just off to the side of the lift I was going to have to take so that I could appear in the middle of the diamond shaped stage, I was nervous. I caught my reflection in the mirror that was nearby, a full-length mirror so I could do last minute checks before heading up to the lift. I was wearing what resembled a pirate captain’s uniform? I don’t know, it looked cool. It was a lilac fabric that was covered in different colored stones, so the light could hit it and reflect multiple colors at once, of course, and I looked like a rhinestoned painting of someone sailing the seven seas.
I was too in my head to really worry about whether or not my outfit was immaculate or not. I didn’t want to mess up the lyrics I’d written, or make a fool of myself by missing a single step of choreography. This was going to be the first impression of my shows, and I needed everything to go perfect.
Opening withAre You Really That Weak?, then we rip off my pirate coat to performBirthstone Baby, thenMy Favorite Boyright before the first outfit change. Then we start right back up withToo Close For Comfort, which bleeds intoThe Feeling Of Being Buried Alivebefore I have to worry about beltingMatter Of Opinion. That goes into the whole dance break right beforeThe Violent Way We Love, which has that intricate ass footwork.
“Alistair.”
My head whipped over to the direction of my name being called, ripping me from the oversaturated thoughts about the setlist and the cues and everything. I adjusted my inner ears as Van’s face came into view.
“You okay?” He asked, taking in what I could only assume was the pure panic on my face.
“Yeah, I think so.” I said, chucking out a few chaste breaths that I hadn’t realized I was holding on to. “Nervous, but I think I’ll be fine once I’m actually out there.”
His smile was warm and inviting, the kind of smile he’d given me the night at the hotel. I hadn’t seen that sort of smile from Van since then, and it both made me feel better and hurt to see it. I could tell that he still wanted to talk about us, but now definitely wasn’t the right time.
“You’re going to be great.” He assured me. And because it was Van, I believed him without question. “You’ve put in so much work. Everyone around here has, it’s been amazing to see.”
“Right.” I said, still trying to remember what the cue was for whenMedievalwas going to unleash on stage.
Van’s jaw slacked as his mouth opened, for what I could only assume was another attempt to tell me that he wanted to talk. Just as I thought he was going to prompt me, his closed his mouth and let it swirl into a smile.
“Good luck out there, Alistair.”
Dumbfounded, I stared with a downturn of my eyebrows. “Oh, thanks. I appreciate it.”
Van turned on his heels, just as I heard a warning in my inner ears that the first song was about to start. How I could focus on them with the hum of excitement and nerves buzzing around the stadium, I didn’t know. But seeing Van attempt to vanish made my stomach twist unnaturally.
“Van,” I called out, causing him to turn around and walk a few steps back in my direction. “After the show tomorrow, find me after. We’ll have our talk then.”
I didn’t want him to think that I was completely blowing him off. At least, not in the way that I’d truly like to. His nod was curt, but his smile was a thin line of truce.
“Sounds great. Thanks, Alistair.”
There was a countdown in my ear that made my smile warp into one of panic. When I looked back to where Van had been only moments ago, he was gone. I closed my eyes. I needed to fucking focus.Right. First number. You’ve got this, Alistair.
That’s all the pep talk I got because the countdown in my ear was done, and I knew that it meant I needed to get my ass on the lift so that I could start singing with the background singers. One of the crew came by as soon as I stepped onto the lift and handed me the rhinestone studded mic I was using. They wished me luck and I thanked them just as the lift started moving, poising me to hover the mic just before my mouth.
This was an altered version ofAre You Really That Weak?, but I was excited to debut the tour version of it. It was going to be a true spectacle that started the show. But first, I needed to sing along with my backup singers to start. This part of the song was starting before the crowd even saw me.
Once I heard the countdown clicking from my inner ears, I started singing, glad that the backup singers were right on cue.
Are you really that weak?
Why won’t you talk to me?
I need something to explain
Explain away the pain
