We arrived at our spot before he could protest more, and I urged him onto the rock while Ekkar did his checks of the area. When nothing popped out, I stepped back, looking around with a frown. It seemed wrong to leave him here alone, but I didn’t wish to disturb his privacy either.
Like he could feel my hesitation, Ekkar bumped my hand with his nose and padded over to the rock, leaping onto it and settling himself behind Henry. He would stay and guard him while I returned to my duties. I trusted my friend to do this. He wouldn’t let anything close to Henry and would alert me and the entire clan if he needed to in order to keep Henry safe.
“I will leave you in Ekkar’s care and check on you after a while. Take the time you need, erska. You are safe.”
Henry’s face crumpled and he sank in on himself a little. “I know that. It’s not about that. I just…” He trailed off, the emotion thick in his voice. Whatever was upsetting him, he didn’t have the words to express it yet.
Reaching for the case he’d set beside him, I opened the little tabs and carefully drew out the instrument inside, putting it and the longer part he used to make the sounds into his hands.
“Use your music, erska. When you are ready to talk, I will be nearby.”
His brow was furrowed, but he did as I suggested, putting the instrument under his chin and drawing the longer part across the strings. He never started playing right away, always taking adeep breath before he began, but once he did, I took a few steps back, wanting to give him the space he needed.
“I will be doing my checks nearby,” I murmured. “Take your time.”
I returned to my duties, keeping my word to Henry to give him time alone, but kept an ear out for him. He was far enough away that the music would not disturb the clan, but close enough that I could hear it. It hurt my heart a little. His music before now had always inspired feelings of joy and wonder. Now, the song sounded sad, and had I not promised to give him time to himself, I would have gone back to Henry’s side to ask what was upsetting him so much. When other brothers on guard duty passed by, they heard it as well, shooting me curious looks and getting a head shake in reply. I would not discuss Henry’s troubles with anyone. They knew who played in the forest. They could make their own assumptions and leave Henry be.
I only returned to Henry’s side when the music stopped. The torch I’d set up near the rock was still burning merrily, casting shadows on Henry’s tired face. The lines around his eyes were missing, which only made me more certain that something was bothering the sweet man.
“Do you… Have you ever been in love?” he asked me, like he knew I was there despite being unable to see me.
The question wasn’t what I expected, but I answered honestly. “No.”
“By choice or…”
“Why do you ask?” If it had more to do with that male who had made him feel uncomfortable, I would seek him out and put him in his place. Henry should not have been made to be so upset he nearly walked into a fire in his haste to get somewhere private. Whoever was responsible would face me.
His head dropped forward, his dark blonde hair falling carelessly onto his forehead as he played idly with the handle onthe case. He’d already put the instrument away, but it seemed like he was itching to retrieve it again, like the music was the only thing that settled his soul.
“I just… My sister mentioned something to me. She’s been spending time with someone and hearing her talk about him… I just don’t think it’ll ever happen for me.” His hand fluttered a little toward his face. “My sight… It makes people uncomfortable around me. Falling in love isn’t something I think I’ll ever get a chance to experience, and I guess I’m just a little sad about it.” He sighed, straightening his back and shaking his head. “I don’t know why I’m so worked up about this right now. It never bothered me before. But I’d never heard so many stories about people in love before either.” He shrugged, giving me a smile that looked forced. “I guess I got a little caught up in it all. I’m fine now. We can go back. I’m sure you need to return to your duties.”
He spoke simply so that I could understand him. I’d been practicing my common tongue, but I was no expert. What I’d learned was enough to understand Henry’s story, though, and I was glad I could. I understood him perhaps like very few might in the clan. His story made sense to me.
Kneeling in front of him, I spoke low, the words a little painful to bear, but I hoped would make him feel heard. “At first, it was by choice that I never found love. I was young and thought I had plenty of time for such things. After the attack… People no longer look at me the same way. Clan members look at me with pity or discomfort. Tributes looked at me with fear and disgust. The reaction your sister had to me? It is the same reaction everyone has to me. Everyone except you. I understand your pain, erska. You are not alone in this. And if it helps, I don’t think your sight would deter many in the clan. You are beautiful. Being unable to see doesn’t change that.”
HENRY
A different kind of ache pulled in my chest, a recognition for what we both lost. His reassurance made me feel a little better, and when his hand rested on my shoulder and squeezed supportively, I covered it with one of my own to keep him there.
“Can I–” I hesitated to ask my question, worried I would overstep and ruin our friendship.
“Whatever it is, erska, ask it of me.”
“I have to touch to truly see something. Can I… Would you let me?”
I heard his breath catch, felt his fingers tighten a little. Not in a painful way, more like a fear response, like he was just afraid as I was to ruin this connection. I’d never felt as close to someone as I did with Garrun, aside from Alice. I didn’t want to lose him either.
“I promise, it won’t change anything. And if it makes you uncomfortable, you can always say no. I’m happy to keep things the way they are.”
“No,” he said, his voice rough and filled with emotion. “You are free to touch me, erska. You can do as you wish.”
Swallowing hard, I reached for him, feeling my hand shake as I did so. I’d never done this with anyone outside my family before. It felt… intimate and my breath caught when my fingers brushed his face. His nose was large, but felt proportional to his face, his long lashes tickling against my fingertips as I carefully brushed over his eyes and along his brow. His jaw was square, covered in a thick beard that had some bald spots I traced with my fingers. Scars. All along one side of his face like a wild animalhad clawed him and left its mark. They felt deep, one cutting across his lip and marring the soft surface. Alice had said he looked like he got into a fight with a bear and lost, but I didn’t see it that way. The scars didn’t feel like loss to me. They felt like survival. Whatever he’d come up against, he’d won because he was still here with me. They didn’t take away from his looks. They added to them.
Huffing a laugh, I shook my head. “And you say I’m beautiful.”
I felt the way his brow furrowed, the puff of his breath against my palms. “What are you talking about?”
Tipping my head, I ran my fingers along his jaw again. “Strong jaw, straight nose, thick brows.” My hands moved up, running through his hair. Alice had said many of the barbarians wore their hair in similar ways, but it depended on the clan. Garrun wore his hair longer than mine was, pulled halfway back and tied with a strip of leather. It was softer than I expected, too. I continued narrating what I was seeing, hoping to give him the same comfort he gave me. “Soft hair. You must take care of it for it to be that soft. And styled too. I can’t be bothered to style my hair. Alice does it for me every morning.”
