“Okay, just remember that my dad has been coming home around six, so we only have a couple of hours.”
“I’ll try to be quick. It’s just, you know —” He tossed his head, flashing me a dazzling grin. “You can’t rush perfection.”
I rolled my eyes. “If your head gets any bigger, you’re not going to be able to walk.”
“If that happens, you can just get a shopping cart for my head and wheel me around.” Still cackling, he headed into the house, and I continued down the hill, shaking my head as I went.
It was the perfect late April day, the wholeneighborhood lush with new life, pale pink and tender green wherever I looked. Cole and I had decided — well, we had decided that it was time. We knew we loved each other and that we were ready, or at least I was pretty sure I was. I was doing everything I could to squash down the butterflies in my stomach, the anticipation that was setting my skin crawling. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and we were going to be able to do this. I was going to be okay.
Back door, chipped paint, my keys warmed with my body heat as I drew them out of my pocket. The kitchen just as I left it, every childhood memory in place, the thick scent of the pot roast I had set up in the crock pot before school because I didn’t want Dad to have a reason to question what I’d been up to all afternoon, not today. I crossed the room and laid my hand on the glass lid, just long enough to register the comforting warmth through my palm, and inhaled slowly.
Meat. Home. Mom.
I made my way upstairs and through the door of my bedroom, kicking off my shoes and dropping my backpack by the door. What was I supposed to do while I waited? Should I get undressed? Brushing my teeth seemed like a good idea, so I padded across the hall to do that, the taste of mint bright on my tongue. A minute and a half down, some unknown number to go.
I should have bought flowers, or candles orsomething, even if the artificial scents made my head hurt. Cole deserved flowers. Was the meat smell from the kitchen too strong up here? If I opened a window, would someone hear us? Which was worse? Cole wouldn’t decide not to sleep with me because my house smelled too much like meat, would he? Probably not. I mean, I didn’t think so. Hopefully.
Might as well open that window anyway. Fresh air would probably be good.
He’d probably be shocked if he walked in and I was naked. Turned on? No, probably just shocked. I knew what I looked like. But fuck, fumbling with clothes was awkward. Maybe just my jeans. I had boxers on underneath, nice ones that didn’t have any holes in them for once. Not that he’d ever been scared away by my clothes before. Why was this so fucking hard?
I folded my jeans carefully and placed them on a chair, then went to sit on the bed. We should have done this in Cole’s room, where we would have had more space, but we didn’t want to dothatwith Sharon puttering around downstairs, so we were stuck with my dingy room, my narrow twin bed, my shelf of model planes staring at us from across the small space. It had never seemed like a problem before, when we were pounding up the stairs after school, barely making it in the door before we were all over each other, but it didn’t feel like enough now. For Cole, I wanted the world. I sat against the headboard, hugging my knees to my chestand rocking back and forth.
It might have been twenty minutes later when I heard the back door open and shut, followed by light, nimble footsteps on the stairs. I stashed the novel I’d been trying and failing to read under the bed, and did my best to look nonchalant as Cole poked his head in the door.
“Oh, baby, you’re freaking out.”
How did he know? How did healwaysknow? I didn’t know where to look, my hands opening and closing involuntarily as he crossed the room to kneel on the floor beside the bed. Of course he was beautiful, his hair still a little damp from the shower, a pale pink T-shirt clinging to his slim torso, a bit of eyeliner bringing out the brilliant blue of his eyes. And he was looking at me tenderly, with something that felt like love, something that felt too big for us to contain, and I knew I was going to shatter, that he was going to unmake me.
“Hey, Ezra?” He took my hand, stilling the motion with his own, and this definitely wasn’t the way I had wanted any of this to go. “We don’t have to doanythingyou don’t want to do. If we just kiss, or if we sit and talk, that’s fine with me. We have our whole lives.”
“But Idowant to —” I burst out.
“Thentalk to me.” He rested a hand on my knee, and I let him turn me, planting my feet on the floor on either side of his body. He ran his hands slowly up from my knees toward my hips, caressing my bare skin andstopping just before he reached the bottom hem of my boxers. I was pretty sure I was about to combust. “You were fine a little while ago. So why don’t you tell me why you look like you’ve spent the entire time since I left you swallowing bees?”
“It’s just —” I watched as his thumbs began to make small circles, grazing the sensitive skin high up on my inner thighs. “What if I’m not — good? I want this to be perfect for you.”
“Oh, honey —” Cole surged upwards as he wrapped his arms around my waist, elongating the line of his throat and pressing it against my chest as he brought our faces close together. “It’s going to be wonderful. And if we don’t get it right the first time, we’re just going to keep practicing until we do, because I’m pretty sure that once we start this, I am never going to want to stop.”
“Okay,” I said carefully. I brought my hands up to wind my fingers into his hair, as gently as if he were made of spun sugar.
“There’s one more thing, too,” Cole murmured, a half-smile lifting the corner of his mouth.
“What’s that?”
“You’re still you and I’m still me, and we are two fucking idiots in love, and neither of us has a single fucking clue what we’re doing. So no matter what happens, it’s going to be fun. I promise.”
“Cole—”
I pulled him up toward me, crushing our mouthstogether, and then we were kissing, my nerves melting away at the familiar taste of him, the feel of him in my arms. And Cole wasright. We giggled when he climbed into my lap a little too enthusiastically, and knocked my head against the wall. And we giggled some more shortly afterward, when he realized there was no way to wriggle out of his skinny jeans from that position, except to stand up entirely and drag them off his long legs, blushing the whole time. When he climbed back into my lap, and we realized howbarewe were, how little fabric was separating us, we both sobered up for just a moment. But then he blew a raspberry into my neck, and I tossed him onto his back on the bed, my fingers digging into his ribs as he shrieked and clutched at my wrists. And as I draped myself over him, as I ran my finger down the side of his face, as he looked up at me with eyes shining and hair tumbling over the pillow, I remembered that this was myfriend, that he’d already proven over and over just how much helikedme. And I knew that I wanted this, that I wanted toknowhim in every possible way that one person can know another.
“I think you should try it with your finger first, just so that we both have a chance to relax.”
We were both naked, and I was shocked at how good it felt to have his skin pressed against mine. Cole was on his back, his knees spread wide, and I was lying between them, resting my weight on one arm so that I would be free to caress him with the other.
“Oh, um —” I fumbled for the bedside table and the bottle of lube we kept there. When I returned, Cole took it for me, slicking my finger and then pouring a bit into his palm. “How should I —”
“Nice and easy.” Cole took my wrist and guided my hand down between his legs. “Small circles around the outside at first, and then — when you’re ready — a little bit at a time —”
