Part of my coping mechanism has been constant motion. If I’m busy, working, taking care of the horses at home, or traveling to Scotland for Christmas, I won’t be thinking about Duncan.
Except, it hasn’t worked at all and now I feel like every nerve ending I have left is frayed and ready to fire at the slightest touch.
Who will Duncan be kissing at midnight?
Who am I going to kiss at midnight?
Both questions turn to sludge in my stomach.
"I don’t know if I can do that."
Some nights I hate myself for telling the truth. Other nights I feel proud of myself for expressing the depth of my feelings.
Even as my chest aches from missing him, and my body begs for his attention, my head confirms my stance.
Phone sex over the summer was hot, yeah, but I can’t go back to just that. I want, no, Ineed, all of Duncan or nothing.
I need his levity. I need his energy. I need his body. I need his commitment.
But he wasn’t willing to give it.
Friends-with-benefits worked until it didn’t. I don’t even remember the moment things shifted for us. I can’t pinpoint when things went from just sex to actual friends who are having sex to him becoming the only person on the planet I wanted to be with. But I haven’t been able to look at the sofa in my living room without a crushing sadness hitting my chest.
"Alright," Zara’s voice pulls me back to where I’m sitting in the studio on the sofa. "I have your wardrobe for tonight in the other room. And the guest list is confirmed." Zara lets the last sentence hang in the air.
"Okay." I pause for a moment wondering if I should be interested in the guest list or not.
The Renegades have a game tonight at home and, according to The Stick Handlers Chat I am now a part of with the WAGs, there is a party at Felix’s after. I got swept up in their conversation earlier about the gift I sent to Crosby and Laila, about clothing, about Duncan being sad.
I battled with the word hope more than I care to admit. Flexing the letters into a fist and relaxing it over and over until my forearm burned.
Duncan won’t be at the show tonight, I know that. But Zara’s tone has me on edge.
"Mike Kerr is coming."
The world around me quiets as "Meek Car" rings in my ears. "Why?"
"Well, he is from here, and the movie was set here, so he's finishing up his year in Nashville."
"But why is he coming to my event?"
"It isn'tyourevent." Zara shrugs. "It's the Grand Ole Opry New Year’s Eve event you're headlining this year."
"Well, keep him away from me."
"Hold on, hold on. Imagine the optics." Zara says as she stands and moves between me and the door. When I don't say anything because theonly words I can think of are harsh, she continues. "You had your ups and downs last year, but with the new year upon us you two reconciled."
"I'm not getting into another relationship with him."
"I'm not asking that. I'm asking for you to singMidnight Kissin’right before midnight and let the cameras make it seem like you two have something going."
"Zar," I start but she rushes to cut me off.
"I know I know. And I wouldn't do it but his team told me he wants to talk to you, he wants to make it right."
"I don't want to forgive him."
"Then don't, but maybe let the guy explain?"
