Because, again, Heller hadn’t asked me what I was doing.
Until two days before.
We were lying on the futon in his hut, his grandmother’s quilt covering our naked bodies. It was heavy and smelled like lavender. Heller must have washed it. I nuzzled into his chest and he wrapped me tightly in his arms.
When he released me, he was smiling wide and giddy. “Dylan finally agreed to host New Year’s,” he said.
“What?” I asked, my heart beating fast.
Heller stretched out beside me, lengthening his calves until they shuddered. He reached for his phone and scrolled through a text chain with a group calledThe Boys, stopping when he found what he was looking for. He cleared his throat and read. “ ‘Fam’s heading to Sunapee. Let’s fucking rage!!! 9 pm on NYE.’ ”
Before I could tell him about my plans to go to New York, Heller held my chin tight and pressed his mouth to mine. My body was warm and tingly, open and yearning.
Mine, I thought, running my hands through his hair, over his back, along his forearms.Mine.
“You don’t have plans, right?” he asked gingerly when he pulled back.
If I had only saidI’m busyorYou should have asked me last weekor literally anything other than what came out of my mouth next, maybe everything would be different. Maybe Dylan would be in summer training instead of physical therapy. Maybe there wouldn’t be this gulf between Ava, Imogen, and me. Maybe we wouldn’t have as many secrets. And maybe, just maybe, Heller would still be alive.
But I shook my head. “I’m free.”
CHAPTER 47
Now
The air in the cabin is still and all I can see are shadows of the trees dancing on the wall next to me. I’m full of adrenaline, the blood pumping hard through my veins, my senses alert. The tingling sensation in my stomach saysWait until the perfect moment. Wait until it’s right.
A flashlight clicks on, bright outside my cabin, and blinks one, two, three times. Our signal.
The bunk bed creaks as I sit upright, but Meg is quiet down below, a bag of bones. I swing my legs over the ladder and gingerly slip into my sneakers, their laces loose for this exact reason. I reach for the dark sweatshirt I left hanging on the hook and pull it over my head, keeping the hood up over my face. I pull back the curtain and walk into the camper room, but not before hearing Meg mumble behind me, “Stay safe.”
My throat grows scratchy but I keep going, opening the door to the cabin as carefully as I can. When I get outside, I finally realize what I’m doing. If Avadidhurt Heller, then what would she do to me, another person threatening to expose a secret? I may be her best friend, but I’m not her family, no matter what we might say.
I let out a breath and take in the night air. It’s cold and still, though I can see the big overhead lights beaming down on thefields by upper camp. A breeze picks up and I count to five, waiting for Ava to exit her cabin. It doesn’t take long and then a moment later, Imogen appears, too. My heart quickens and I wonder if this is a setup. If they’re teaming up against me. But I push all the bad thoughts out of my head.
Believe in Ava. Just for another night.
The three of us walk silently in single file, Imogen leading the way toward the rock wall down the hill.
Imogen stops first, pulling down her hood. We’re deep in the heart of the ropes course, the most hidden place on camp, perfect for a hookup—or a fight.
Imogen motions for us to sit and drops down in the woodchips. We do so reluctantly, forming a little triangle, our knees kissing.
Ava looks away, her face hidden behind a curtain of platinum hair, bright against the dark sky. “This is bullshit.”
I shake my head, suddenly so confused, so angry. At Heller for turning the one place that meant everything to me into a nightmare. At Imogen for clearly being on Ava’s side. At Ava for... shit, everything.
I clench my fists in my lap. “Tell me why you were with Heller that night. Did you...” I can’t even say the words.
“Are you really about to ask me that?” Ava looks up then, her eyes piercing mine. “You really think I hurt him? Ikilledhim?”
“You tell me.”
Ava shakes her head. “You first. Tell me why you care so much about Heller. Tell us the truth.”
The air rushes out of my lungs and I know it’s time. Imogen looks at me, concerned. I close my eyes tight and take the leap.
“We were together,” I say softly. “In the fall.”
