I don’t need to perform my gratitude; it’s an immediate huge weight off my shoulders. “Thank you so much.”
I’m walking to Dimple’s door when she opens it. She looks elegant in her at once soft, loose, and structured clothing. Her hand beckons me in, but the set of her jaw is tight, face pinched. It’s anything but welcoming. I can’t blame her.
“Come in,” she says.
“Thank you.”
The door clicks shut as I make my way to my usual seat. It all feels oddly formal. I watch Dimple take hers, a deep breath directed at her lap. She looks up at me and adjusts her glasses.
“How can I help you today?”
I’m sure I’m not imagining the absence of warmth in her words. It had felt like we were on the same team before, but now it’s like I’ve broken something between us.
“I won’t take up too much of your time. I just wanted to apologize…For yesterday, I mean.”
Her face is remarkably still. I can tell she is working hard to remain a blank canvas. I wonder how much strain it’s causing her.
“Really,” I continue. “I’m so sorry. I can’t even remember everything I said, but I should never have raised my voice at you, never have caused a scene. Not only was it entirely inappropriate, but it was unfair. You were just trying to help. You’ve always just been trying to help.”
Dimple’s face remains a smooth mask. “Why do you think you reacted so strongly in our last session?”
Formal, emotionless. I suppose that’s fair. She’s here to do a job. “I suppose…I suppose my relationship with my sister is precious to me. I’ve lost a lot in my life, been hurt a lot. She’s the only person who’sconsistently been good to me, and…and I guess it felt a little like you were trying to take her away.” Dimple remains unmoved. “But that’s not to excuse my actions. Really. I know you say my feelings are valid, but I also know I don’t get to act any which way because of them. I should have known better. I’m sorry.”
She nods once, a half smile on her face. Well, I call it a “half smile”—it’s more a British tightening of one corner of her mouth. But it’s better than nothing. “Thank you. I accept your apology.”
Relief floods me for the second time that morning. “Thank you. I’m glad.” I scan the room, rub my legs. “That was it, I guess. I don’t want to take up any more of your time. But like I said to Sarah outside, you can bill me for the full hour.”
I’m already out of the seat when Dimple speaks. “If you’re paying for the full hour, you might as well stay.”
This catches me by surprise. It’s not remotely in my plan. Get in, apologize, get out. Stew in inner turmoil. That’s the deal I’ve made with myself.
“Well?” Dimple asks, gesturing to the seat.
I sit. I always do what Dimple tells me to do. Or, at least, I feel that way. “Well, what do you want to talk about?” I ask.
“I’m curious as to how you’re processing what I raised at the end of our last session. You had an initial reaction, which you’ve apologized for, but how are you feeling now?”
My tongue prods around my gums. I’m not sure where to start.
“I’m not sure where to start.”
Dimple narrows her eyes, offers her familiar head tilt, and then says, “Do you still feel directly responsible for what happened to your exes?”
Pride blocks my airway. It stings to admit the answer, but I cough it out nonetheless. “No. I don’t. I…My mother…I…We spoke. Briefly. It’s obvious that she knew all along. I suppose I can’t blame herfor not knowing that I blamed myself for all of it. But if she’d just told me the truth…” I lean forward, elbows on knees, palms against closed eyes, pushing down until it starts to hurt and patterns spark across the darkness.
“So you saw your mother?”
I shake my head. “No, we spoke on the phone.” The pain in the darkness begins to intensify.
“Natalie.”
I take my hands away and sit up straight. Dimple remains unreadable. “So, to be clear, you do believe it was your sister who was responsible for what happened to Marc, Luca, and George?”
I nod. “I’m not sure how, but yes.”
“And how does this news about Claire make you feel?”
I suck air into my lungs and blow it out, chest heavy. “Beyond the crushing betrayal, I feel relief, I suppose, but…”
