Poor little girl who lost her mother. A burden she has to carry in her senior year. Making apologies for me to her friends. Asking them to give me chance after chance even though I wear the boys’ uniform and rarely smile. Her friend who still believes in magic, but she humors me because she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. Irritation pricks like tiny needles all over me.
“Why are we friends, Alexis?” I ask, and she’s taken aback.
“What?”
“Why are we friends? Why do you put up with all of this?”
“Because youknowme,” she says in a clear voice, eyes fierce. “And Iknowyou. We’ve known each other for thirteen years. Why are you asking this now?”
“You know what happened to me yesterday?”
She blinks, closing her mouth and looking away.
“And you didn’t even call me. You didn’t even check up on me.” I feel like a child who’s throwing a tantrum. I hate how needy I sound to my ears. I groan, pressing a hand to my forehead. “Forget it. Forget what I said. I don’t care what Nicole thinks. She’s horrible.”
“No, she’s not,” Alexis exclaims. “Really. She’s just being jealous, but you can tell her you don’t date. She’ll believe you.”
“I don’t want to explain myself to her.”
“Why not?”
“Because she’s racist,” I snap, and Alexis flinches. “Not just Nicole, but Jenny and Hayley too.”
“What?” she breathes.
“You heard me.” My heart is racing, my stomach clenches, and I think I might throw up, but there’s a lightness on my tongue. Like I’ve been holding on to these words for so long.
She holds up her hands like she’s trying to calm me down. “Okay. I’m with you on how mean they’re being. But you can’t jump to racism as a conclusion. I wouldn’t be friends with racists. And I swear, the girls had nothing to do with what happened to you yesterday. Nicole was upset, so we all went out for coffee right after the bell rang. You think I’d let them do something like that to you?”
It hurts to be excluded. It still hurts, and I hate myself for it.
“I’m sorry I didn’t answer your texts. I was really busy this weekend,” she continues.
“Right.” I try to swallow, but my throat has swollen to double its size. There will always be excuses.
“I’m sorry someone did that to you.”
“Me too,” I whisper.
We stay quiet for a while, the awkwardness creeping in again. The light filtering through washes away the gray, and I can see her colors in a lighter shade. Like the contrast has been put on low.
“I’ll talk to Nicole and the girls,” Alexis says. “I’m really tired of all of this. I did not see this happening.”
My jaw feels heavy. “Okay.”
“Your locker is fixed, right? Like, is it okay now?”
I nod. “Yeah… did you do that?”
She hesitates before giving me a small smile. “You’re still my best friend.”
“Thank you,” I say, meaning it. Maybe I was wrong about how she sees me.
She shoulders her bag. “Of course. I have to go, though. I told the girls I’m going to the restroom, and I don’t want them to think I have diarrhea or something.”
I manage to smile. She squeezes my hand when she passes by and waves before leaving.
I stare at the door, basking in the silence and the muffled conversations outside, wishing I could stay in here forever.
