“Come again?” His voice chipped away at some of her resolve to hide, as if questioning with his tone what kind of audacity she had to expect him to leave. That’s what she expected, wasn’t it? That he would see her for who she truly was, not worthy to beanywhere near his magnificent presence, much less around his accomplished family.
But here he was, annoyingly smelling like that delicious jollof rice with the caramelized scent of fried plantain on the side. His presence filled the alcove and somehow tamped down the beat of the drum of her shame. She peered up at him under damp lashes, expecting confusion, annoyance, or frustration, but not pain. Not him looking like her issues pierced his heart too.
“Solomon, why didn’t you tell me who you are?”
“If you had known everything about me, would it have mattered?”
“It matters to build something real.” Couldn’t he see that they were forming something real?
“But we didn’t make promises to each other, Kenya. This was the deal. And as much as you wanna think it was just about me getting what I want, you said yes because you had a plan in place too. There was a huge benefit for you as well.”
She shuddered. He was making it sound like a business transaction. But maybe all along, that was exactly what it was. She stood, using the wall to help her up, crossing her arms over her chest.
“A benefit that I failed at. I didn’t know what I would be asked to do. And I—I just don’t know how to explain that I was put in probably the worst scenario I could be in.”
“Kenya, if I had known...”
“But you did, and you would have known more if you paid attention. Don’t you remember the library? You told me to be me, and that was all I needed to prepare for. But being me also comes with not being able to read as fast or adequately as everyone else. Being me means that I have to pause and lift my hand up like this”—she formed an L with her left hand—“just to remind myself which side is left and which is right. Being me means I need alarms to remind me of what to do. I need lists because I can’t capture everything all at once. I fly off the seat of my pants because that’s how my brain is wired, that’s how I canflow. Time slows down in those instances, but when everything is set and rigid and structured—” Two people passed by them and turned their heads in their direction. She lowered her voice. “I need to leave.”
“Make me understand why and what happened,” Solomon said, stopping her with a hand on her shoulder.
She closed her eyes, relishing his touch, but that only reminded her of what could not be.
“Yes, this was an opportunity to redeem the mistakes I made at work because of my dyslexia. But it’s never been this bad. I struggled so much in school, but somehow I’ve been able to work through it in a way that hasn’t hindered me.” She shrugged.
“But I haven’t been able to move. I haven’t been able to run. I haven’t been able to do all the things that help my mind, and so when I found out that you weren’t just an amazing physical therapist but the heir tosomething much more than an Etsyshop...” She waved her hand. “How ignorant of me to assume. You have international offices. You design couture for celebrities and royalty, Solomon—royalty! And here I was thinking I was actually doing something special by taking you to the soccer game to see Messi!”
Solomon moved closer. “Thatwasspecial. And don’t you know that that’s not where we started? And that’s part of why my parents are here, because they want to introduce what they do to places like Hope Springs. And don’t you understand that the reason why I wanted to do all this anyway and to just get them off my back is because I don’t want that life, Kenya? I mean, I’m not saying I am against my parents’ business, but the pressure and the drive and even the product, I’m not passionate about.”
Kenya stepped closer, tentatively, not wanting to enter his orb and get pulled in.
“Then tell me why this means so much to you, being this doctor of physical therapy, and why it’s just not some other game or front or a mask that you’re wearing. Or are you just some business lackey playing the part of a public servant? Why does it feel likeyou’re not being honest with yourself, even now? Because your desires don’t change who you are and who you should be with. I don’t have words for everything, Solomon. I never did, but I think we should just let it be. Why would I have another chance after the disaster that I caused? Sprained ankles, missed appointments, broken deals, childhood embarrassment—I’m just done trying to fit in other people’s boxes and still ruining things.”
“Kenya, if I had known more, maybe I could’ve helped.”
“Maybe I didn’t have a sign saying I have dyslexia and sometimes get things backwards and sometimes the way I dance is off, or I put together LEGO sets in mirror image. How could I say that I love to talk and I love words, but reading makes me struggle, and sometimes I’ll hear a word in my mind and will replace it before I’m ready? Especially when I’m stressed, especially when I’m nervous, especially when I’m trying to impress a guy that I’ve grown to really,reallycare about.”
She despised herself then for the way her voice caught and the way the tears rose despite her efforts to blink them away. “I don’t always know how it’s gonna trip me up because I don’t always know what’s coming. But I thought,” she said, “I just thought that I had finally found a safe place, a shelter from the storm ofme. When all of it was just another box for me to fit in. And how can I continue to be the vow-renewal planner after all of this? It’s just—” She shook her head, her posture rigid. “It’s all just so embarrassing.”
She wished they could go back just a few weeks, sitting in the corner of the waiting room, comfortable in their conversation with each other. Instead of right now, where it was like they were at a standoff.
He sighed. “Do you want me to take you home?”
She shook her head, holding up her skirt with one hand. “You don’t have to rescue me again, Doctor.”
“I know,” he whispered, but he still walked with her from the room.
29
LEAVE IT TO HIS SISTERto round the corner of the lobby with a smirk on her face. Since her arrival back to Huntsville a few months ago, Nneka had set up camp at this downtown hotel and would stay for another week or so. And since everyone was still recovering from the wedding, there would be no Sunday dinner at their parents’ house today.
“Nneka, I need your help.”
She gave him a hug and led him to a seating area three steps below the main lobby.
“What did you do?”
“Nothing. Why?”
