“And I said it in Serbian because I didn’t think you would answer me. At least not truthfully, and so what does it matter if I say it in a language you don’t understand? I could whisper it or write it in the sand.”
She took something out of her pocket, an airline bottle of clear liquor—vodka maybe—and poured it in her coffee. Nobody around you seemed to notice. Or if they did, they didn’t say anything. Then she drank half the cup in one long gulp, and grimaced.
“I’m going to tell you something, Case, because I’m not sure if we’re ever going to have a real conversation again after tonight.”
You were already starting to sweat, and you had a lump in your throat. You wondered if she remembered saying something similar the night you met, but you couldn’t bring yourself to ask, so you just nodded and held on to your own coffee mug without drinking it.
“I haven’t known a lot of good people.”
She looked outside when she said this, as if the car dealership was full of all the awful ones.
“It’s bad luck, some of it. I get that. My family life was pretty rough when I was little. My parents were a mess. They couldn’t take care of me, so I had to live with a grandma I barely knew. My mom said it was temporary, but then she never came back. And, along the way, I also kind of chose friends and boyfriends who weren’t the best. Sometimes I think it was on purpose. Like, I had a homing device for assholes. I wish I could explain it to you, but the only thing I can say is that I felt terrible and part ofme didn’t want to stop feeling terrible. It was mine, that feeling. And it was…”
She stopped to burp and push her coffee away.
“Familiar.”
You connected to this with your anxiety, the way it was better sometimes just to sink into it than to fight it. But all you said was:
“Okay.”
“I thought that was the case with Sean. I thought I was choosing another jerk. He had all the signs with his dive-team swagger. But it turned out he was kind of a decent person. And so I stuck around. It’s nice to be at your house, where things are quiet and your parents basically love you and let you live your own lives. It’s nice to be there with him in that place. And it’s nice to be there with you.”
Your face was in flames, but her eyes were so unfocused that you wondered if she could even see you clearly. You set your fork down again.
“I wasn’t expecting to find a friend too.”
The wordfriendkind of destroyed you. It was the first time she’d said it about you, and it was so powerful to know she’d thought it too.
“And maybe it’s weird that my best friend is my boyfriend’s brother. I get that. It’s kind of strange. And maybe it was always going to cause some problems. But this…”
She motioned around, at you and in the air.
“It’s killing me, Case.”
She took a second to rub her eyes, smearing her mascara.
“I can do breakups. I’ve done so many. For a while, I wondered if I even felt real emotions about them. But it turns out Ido feel things, becausefriendbreakups are heartbreaking! It’s not like I’m tired of making out with you. It’s like: I’m tired ofreally knowingyou. So I’m going to ask you one time. Right now. Can you please just tell me what’s happening? I asked Sean, and he said you were fine. That you just get kind of emo sometimes, and to give you some space. But I’m not good at pretending. And I’m tired of pretending I don’t care about this.”
Right as she finished talking, Geoff arrived with her pancakes. They were topped with a neon butter pat, and you watched as it oozed down the side of the top pancake.
“Sean said what?”
She seemed surprised at your tone. She didn’t touch her pancakes. She didn’t move.
“He… he just said, you know, with your anxiety or whatever you just kind of get in these moods where you hide from everyone. And that I shouldn’t read too much into it. He said you’d snap out of it eventually, and everything would be fine.”
“That I’d snap out of it?”
Your throat felt hot. And you barely saw what was in front of you. Your therapist had always told you to take some time. Think before you speak. Don’t let your emotions do the talking. That’s how the anxiety wins. But you were not feeling anxiety in that moment. You were finally feeling anger. So much pent-up anger. And you were not used to it coming over you so fast and so intensely. But you managed to take a single breath.
“I’m sorry,” you said. “But it’s just hard.”
“What’s hard? Being aroundme?”
You sighed.
“Yeah,” you said.
