“I didn’t think she was! And then there was this day when my head actually felt clear for once and we were daring each other to go in the Deepfreeze and close the door, and she just followed me in and kissed me.”
This was the way Sean always described his interactions with girls. He never claimed to have any power. Things just happened, and it was as if he wasn’t even in his body to experience it.
“So what happened after that?”
“We’ve been hanging out after work sometimes. Making out in the parking garage. Just talking in her car. I was pretty broken up about State. All the work I put in for that one goal, and then it was just gone. It passed me by and no one even seemed to care, like maybe it wasn’t important in the first place. She listened, and I guess it felt kind of nice.”
His face was hard to read, and you couldn’t tell where he was going with this. But if history was any indicator, you had a hunch.
“So you’re breaking up with Diana, then?”
For an awful moment your heart soared. A camper van passed by with a bike fastened to the back, its front wheel spinning madly. Sean exhaled, and when you looked back at him, it seemed like he was about to cry.
“Sean?” you said.
“No,” he said.
“No…”
“No, I’m not breaking up with Diana.”
He exhaled again and blinked.
“Last night, we were sitting in her car, the girl’s car, and she was putting her shirt back on and I just kind of had this moment of clarity about the whole thing. Like: What iswrongwith me? I don’t get what I want in diving, so I just go out looking for the next thing. The next little thrill that’s going to get me out of my head. I get so itchy sometimes, you know, like I can’t even be in my own skin! Does that make sense?”
You nodded.
“And listen,” he said, “it would be fun to keep making out with this girl in the freezer at work, but she doesn’t know me or even reallylikeme that much probably. But Diana…”
“She knows you,” you said.
“Exactly!” he said. “And she’s real. She doesn’t take any shit from me. You probably think I’m an idiot right now that I’m finally getting this. But I didn’t use to care. I didn’t care if it was real. I think I might care this time.”
“I don’t think you’re an idiot,” you said so softly it was barely audible.
“Well, I am!” he said. “I’ve been screwing up what could be this beautiful thing. And you’ve been doing so much to cover for me. I was putting everything into training that I hardly saw her. And where did that get me? Meanwhile, you’ve basically been keeping her happy. That was such a kind thing to do, Case. She probably would have left me months ago if it wasn’t for you. And I just want you to know that when we get back, you don’t have to do that anymore, okay?”
He put his hand on your shoulder.
“You’ve got enough going on, man. You don’t need to be taking my girlfriend out. That is just above and beyond! You don’t have to be a saint.”
You watched a tear roll down his cheek. He sniffled and smiled.
“God, it feels so good to tell someone about this,” he said. “You’re the only person I can talk to about it.”
His right hand was still on your shoulder, and you wanted more than anything for him to take it off. But there was no way to do that without having to explain yourself. So you let him keep it there, while, inside, it felt like your lungs might not be able to take in a breath ever again. Your heart was shattered. And if that wasn’t bad enough, you felt terrible for feeling the heartbreak. Your pain itself was a betrayal.
Having said what he wanted to, Sean took a moment to collect himself, then turned on some music, and the two of you drove without speaking for the next twenty-or-so miles until youfinally woke your parents and ate Memphis-style ribs at a little restaurant near your hotel. And though you were near silent at dinner too, no one else really noticed, and they all laughed when the server told you that snow had swirled down from the mountains last week and caused fifty-three fender benders in an hour because people didn’t know how to drive on it. You didn’t laugh, though. You knew why they crashed.
They just never saw it coming.
ELEVEN
“The worst has happened,” announces Silas the next morning.
You’re all huddled together near a crackling fire, started hours ago with nothing but birch bark and a flint. Your campsite is on a sandy landing with a view east through some white pines toward a sherbet-colored sunrise. You’re so unused to views like this, they don’t quite seem real yet. Like someone could flip a switch and it would all disappear. You’re wedged between Will and Diana, who has yet to speak to you this morning.
Breakfast is “Cowboy Casserole,” a meal made entirely of canned beans, BBQ sauce, and bacon.
