Namely, you had realized your feelings for Diana, and the guilt was tearing you apart. Last week, when you got home from another night of Serbian vulgarities at Perkins, you had even tried writing a letter explaining it, telling her all the reasons why you didn’t want it to happen, but how ithadhappened anyway, and how you knew nothing could or should come of it, but that keeping the secret might be killing you. Sean, who was having troublesleeping on his stitches, found you writing late at night, and asked what you were doing. “Nothing,” you said, and quickly closed the notebook.
Eventhinkingabout telling Sean made your whole body feel like it had been drained and filled with battery acid. Especially after his recent disappointment. How could he see your feelings as anything other than a breach of trust at the worst possible time? But now here you were, side by side with him, nothing but silence and the open road ahead of you for the next half an hour, and it felt like there might never be a better time to confess your sin. So why couldn’t you open your mouth?
About twenty-five miles from Chattanooga, you passed a school bus painted bright pink with four deflated tires and a sign in the window that readCOLD BEER AND BIKINIS!It sat near an exit for a small town, with an arrow painted on the side, imploring you to take a detour and seek your fortune in Fairfield. Right above it, however, was a looming sign for a small church that readSURRENDER TO JESUSin all caps. You looked over at Sean to see if he was clocking this, and he cracked a smile.
“It’s goingdownin Fairfield tonight!” he said, and in spite of the ball of tension in your chest, you laughed.
Your dad, who had been lightly snoring in the back seat, let out a high-pitched snort, which got you going all over again. And you could feel your nervous energy starting to relent.
“What if we just parked in the lot of the bikini place and waited for them to wake up,” you said. “We could hide behind the car so they’d think we’re inside!”
Sean smiled.
“I don’t know. They might actually be happy,” he said.
“What do you mean? Why?!”
He looked straight ahead at the road.
“They’d think you were feeling better.”
You were quiet for a moment after that. You didn’t even know Sean was aware of your recent anxiety spike. He always seemed so absorbed in his own world, especially lately. It shocked you to know he’d been paying attention.
“You’ve had a lot going on,” you said. “I didn’t think you noticed.”
“Are you kidding me?” he said. “Look at your leg right now!”
You glanced down to find your right leg bouncing like a rabbit’s. You didn’t even bother trying to stop it.
“I know you, Case,” he said. “It’s those twin vibes.”
This is something he joked about when you were young. Around the neighborhood, even though you were two years younger, he told everyone you were twins. Then he dared the kids not to believe it.
“I’m fine,” you said.
“You don’t have to lie to me,” he said. “You can lie to everyone else if you want to. But I don’t care. You can be honest with me. And you can be miserable if you want. You don’t have to pretend.”
The wordhonestjabbed at you, and for a moment, you were on the verge of telling him everything. Maybe he’d just laugh it off.Of course you fell in love with her! She’s beautiful! Now let’s figure this out.But still, you couldn’t do it. You were so afraid of truly disappointing him that it made the whole thing seem impossible. So instead, you asked him a question.
“Where have you been since the tournament?”
Then it was Sean’s turn to get quiet. He looked in the rearviewmirror at your sleeping parents. You’re not sure why; they were two of the loudest, most obvious sleepers in the world. But it let you know immediately that something was wrong.
“I’ve been meaning to tell you,” he said quietly. “I just haven’t found the right time.”
You watched his hands tighten on the wheel.
“I met somebody.”
Your leg stopped.
“What? You mean… like, a girl?”
“It’s not what you think, okay? She works at the ice cream store, and we just became friends. I’ve been picking up some extra shifts since I can’t practice, and she’s fun to pass the time with. But the thing is…”
“She’s interested in you,” you sighed.
It was a familiar story.
