But she had never had anyone fall asleep on her shoulder, guileless and sweet, and then, with a sleepy inhale, curl themselves around her, fitting every part against her body, breath on her neck, hand in her hair sending unending washes of pleasure over her skin. Not in any of her relationships or hookups or with any woman she was “hanging out with.”
She’d never been turned on by both the heat of a woman’s body and her boneless trust.
She’d never turned down the kiss of a woman who wanted to kiss her.
She’d never been afraid a kiss would break her heart.
Her poor, senseless heart. When had it wriggled its way out of the cage she’d tried to trap it in, burst through the bars, and thrown its bloody little self at the feet of Cosima Frank?
The first day, probably. The first moment she laid eyes on her.
No. Sooner. She’d heard this woman’s name—Cosima, which meant the universe, which meant everything—and Edie had been done for. The eyebrows were just a bonus. Their charming banter. The fact that such a glorious creature didn’t know how to pet a cat and would never call her “Frog.”
Watching her zest a lemon for the first time. Seeing her careen down a grassy slope without hesitation because Edie had fallen down it. Witnessing the way the flashing strobe of lights in a tunnel beneath the ocean on a train going a hundred miles an hour revealed the desire in her seawater eyes—what the actual fuck was Edie supposed to do,notfall in love with her?
“I don’t live in Los Angeles,” she said.
Cosima smiled. “Currently, I don’t have an address in Los Angeles myself.”
“You”—Edie pointed at her—“aren’t allowed to suddenly adopt such an attitude.”
“Attitude?” She smiled again, one of her new smiles that was knowing and terrible. “Describe my attitude.”
“I won’t.” Edie pulled the blanket around herself tighter. “You know what you’re doing with the smiles and the devastating Chunnel come-ons and this seductive comportment.”
Cosima let her blanket fall from her shoulder, revealing a thin silk strap.
“Like that.” Edie pointed again, this time at her shoulder.
“Which is why we have to talk about it.”
“I will, but it has to be talking. No innuendo or looking at me with your eyes all Bette Davis’ed. I’m nervous.”
“That’s fair.” Cosima pulled up her blanket and looked out at the view. “From a certain viewpoint, I know that it does look like I’ve always had everything I’ve ever wanted. And knowing thattheoreticallyI could set you up in Los Angeles does make part of me want to throw a tantrum. But, Edie, I respect what you need to do after this trip to build your life back. I do understand that you will want to be the one to build it back. I can’t try to white knight you. I get it, even though I kind of hate it.” She turned, and their eyes met. “But the other side of all that is that I understand youbecauseI’ve worked my whole adult life with a woman who wanted to build something of her own. And theotherother side of it is that I have no idea what my life is going to look like next.”
“So no kissing, then.” Only a small part of Edie was relieved.
“I didn’t say that.”
“But you did say I’m not moving to Los Angeles. Are you moving to Green Bay?”
“I don’t know, are you asking me to?”
Edie closed her eyes. Her impulse to sayyestold her this conversation had gotten away from her. Her determination to be sensible was not working.
No. Ithadnot worked. Very much past tense.
She couldn’t protect herself from her own worst impulses, but she’d hoped she could protect Cosima.
“That’s what I thought.” Cosima didn’t sound hurt.
“I won’t lie and tell you I can handle a vacation fling.” Edie opened her eyes to the sight of medieval buildings and towering spires and a movie star’s daughter with bedhead, which did nothing to slow her heartbeat. “I’m not going to pretend that I won’t want to convince you to do just that. To come home with me. To be with me. I’ve done it, you know. I’ve leaned into the stereotypes and rented the van after a long weekend that convinced me everything would be perfect forever. I’ve also had to call my brothers to move me out before I’d gotten my boxes unpacked.”
“I wish you would beg me to move to Wisconsin. I’m angry that if you did, I couldn’t say yes. I’ve scheduled two years of work for myself to begin the moment my mother died. I’m angry about it, and that tells me how much this very strange runaway vacation has restored me to myself. It’s been good for me.”
“For me, too.”
“Yes, exactly. For both of us. I have hope now that someday I can think for myself. Duncan wasn’t wrong—Idowant to make something important, and ithasto be important. Because that’s me. But Duncan was,is, always trying to make everything okay. He has a way of asking for what he wants that no one can say no to, but I can never get angry with him because whatever he’s asking for, he doesn’t want it for himself. He wants it for the higher purpose of nothing ever going wrong. Ever.”
