Ellie resets with a deep inhale that rolls into a slow, measured sigh. “This isn’t about Kat. This is about me and you.Ourlives, Murph. Right?”
“I guess.”
“And if you have to think about it from Kat’s point of view, I’m sure she wants to see you pass accounting, right? She knew how important it was for us to pull this off.”
I swallow hard, fighting back the truth. It’s gristly and thick, lodged in the back of my throat. “She, uh.” I swallow again. “She actually didn’t know I was here.”
When I finally drag my eyes off the ground, I’m greeted with a wide-eyed stare and a small exhale clouding the air around Ellie’s parted lips. “What?”
“I didn’t tell her I was coming here for Thanksgiving,” I say.“I mean, I told her just now on the phone, but before that, I just let her think I was staying home.”
“Why?”
“I didn’t want her thinking I was choosing you over her.”
Ellie scoffs through her nose. “You weren’t choosing me,” she says. “You were choosing you. Your grade and your future. Kat clearly has other priorities besides you, Murphy. Aren’t you allowed to have other priorities too?”
“It’s not like that,” I snap. “She’s my best friend. You wouldn’t get it.”
“Oh, because I’m a friendless moron, right?” The crack in Ellie’s voice is borderline pubescent. “I have friends, Murphy. Normal friends who don’t base all their decisions on one another.”
“Oh yeah, yournormalfriends,” I say. Bitterness inches into my tone with each passing word. “Are you referring to the friends who didn’t even show up to the bar last night? Or the friends who did, but didn’t remember your name or even notice when you were gone?”
“At least I have more than one,” she spits. “And don’t act like Kat is perfect either. We both know just how pissed you were that she screwed up your night by dragging Daniel along without telling you.”
“So she made one mistake,” I admit. “She was probably just nervous because—”
“Because she was choosing her boyfriend over you?” Ellie says. “And she knew it’d break your heart because you don’t get to be her favorite anymore? She’s clearly moving on from this freaky codependent thing you two have going, but you just won’t let it go.”
“We’re not codependent,” I correct her, “We’re close.”
“You skipped your family vacation forKathryn. You want to go to U of I to be withKathryn. When I need you to go to bat for me, you’re stepping out to take a phone call because you’re so in love withKathryn.”
“Oh come on.” I fold my arms over my chest and wait for her to take it back. But she doesn’t. She doesn’t even blink, and I want no part of her staring contest. “Don’t act like you believe that shit just because your mom thought Kat and I were a thing.”
“I don’t know anymore!” Ellie throws up her hands, and Bo jolts at the tug of his leash, then follows at Ellie’s heels as she starts to pace. “Maybe Mom has a point. You’d do anything for Kat. And today, you had this miraculous, Hail Mary chance to save your grade by—God forbid—spending a single day with a girl you’re clearly into.” She halts, and I watch her shoulders pin up against her ears before releasing all at once. “You couldn’t even commit to a single day without putting Kat first. Which sucks, because I’m into you too.”
“You’re what?” My heart drops like an anchor, holding me in place against the wind while my neurons fire a singular message throughout my body:shut it down. My hands ball into fists, and my jaw winds tight, trying to lock up the pins and needles behind my nose before they can surface as a full-blown cry. “Make up your mind, Ellie. You spend all of last night flirting with me, then you want to be friends, then you call me yourgirlfriendto yourmother, but you make sure I know it’s fake, then you kiss me, but refuse to talk about it…”
“Because I was confused!”
“Then imagine how I feel!” It’s my turn to pace. “You giveme this whole speech about how you’re not looking for anything, how we can only be friends, and then what? Eight hours later, you’re into me? What am I supposed to think?”
“That I just got out of a relationship and I’m scared?” Ellie says, her voice growing scratchier and more raw with every word. “I like you, Murphy. I like us together.”
“You don’t know that,” I snap. “You’ve known me for, like, a day.”
“Whatever happened to ‘it doesn’t matter how long you know a person?’ ” She hurls my own words back at me in a sickly sweet tone. “But you’re right. I don’t know you that well, which is why it’s not fair for me to make assumptions about you. Just because something didn’t work with Mary doesn’t mean it won’t work for you and me.”
I stop pacing and try to process. “What are you saying?”
Ellie takes a cautious step forward, and when she speaks, her voice is gentle and breathy. “I’m saying…why shouldn’t we try this?” She softens as she takes another step, then another until she’s close enough to hook one finger through my belt loop. My body responds, even if I’m not sure I want it to. “I know we’re still feeling things out, but while you’re in Geneva, Champaign isn’t that far from here. If we date through the spring and everything goes well, we can try long distance if I move to New York or…wherever I end up. And when you’re done with school, you could join me, you know. You said yourself you can do your business stuff remote.”
“I’m not actuallydoingthat business stuff, you know that, right? That was part of your lie.”
“Our lie,” she corrects me, and it’s all I can do not to laugh.
“You don’t even realize what you’re doing, do you?”
