To my surprise, she complied.
“Remember when I brushed your hair at the cabin?”
I peered down just in time to see the corner of her mouth tighten.
“Just like this.” I kept my motions steady, not wanting to startle her with unexpected touches. “You said it felt good.”
Even though she didn’t answer, I kept running my fingers through her hair, feeling her grow more and more lax, hoping she was picturing it.
I kissed her temple as I did a long pass from her forehead to the ends of her hair. “Does it still feel good?”
Amelia tipped her chin in the slightest nod as her arms began to tremble and shiver.
“I remember that day like it was yesterday,” I said quietly as I continued.
Her fingers curled in on themselves as she dug them into her palms.A grounding technique? Was she trying to ward off a panic attack?
“Try to take a breath and hold it,” I said as I let the bristles of the brush scrape along the back of her neck, bringing her attention to the sensation against her skin.
Amelia’s chest jolted as she tried to inhale, but she couldn’t fill her lungs.
“I’m right here,” I said in a hushed tone. “Remember what we did when you were practicing getting into your office? Think on the inhale and act on the exhale.”
She managed a wheezy inhale.
“Picture somewhere safe.”
The meager breath whooshed from her lips as she said, “The cabin.”
I was so startled by her speaking that I thought I had hallucinated it. “The cabin?”
Her lip trembled. “With you.”
The brush fell from my hand as I wrapped her up in my arms and pulled her to my chest. Her tears were silent at first, but steadily grew into gut-wrenching sobs. Her lithe body shook until I was sure her bones would break.
The cry that left her perfect lips was feral. Her fingers dug into my skin—my arms, my chest. Anywhere she could seek purchase as she held on for dear life.
“I’ve got you. You’re safe,” I soothed as I held her. I repeated the reassurance over and over. She tucked herself into the crook of my shoulder and chest, as if she was trying to ball herself up and be as small as possible. I couldn’t hold her tight enough. There were no words to ease the pain she felt. Nothing that could make it better.
It killed me inside.
Amelia began to gasp as her tears came faster than her breaths. I eased her into a sitting position and rubbed her back.
“You’re okay,” I said quietly as nurses began to walk by the open door and tried to figure out if they were needed or not. “Don’t mind them. They’re just doing their job.”
She sucked in a lungful of oxygen. “C-can y-you brush m-my hair again?” Her teeth chattered as she tried to grit them to stem her heartache. “Please, Judah?”
My skin prickled at the sound of my name. Myrealname.
I’d move mountains for her. This was the least I could do. I brushed her hair in a slow, methodical pattern, working my way around her head, then back again. “Does that feel good?”
She nodded.
“Why does it feel good?”
After a few minutes, her breathing began to steady, and the knot in my heart loosened. “Because it’s been a long time since someone has done something for me.” She glanced over her shoulder, and I watched as gray eyes turned to slate, then tocloudy blue skies. “But you always have.” Before I could respond, her eyes fell to my hip. “Where’s your gun?”
Agents were required to carry a sidearm whether we were on duty or not. But I wasn’t part of the “we” anymore.
