I throw my hands up, exasperated. “Itryto. I really do. And when I’m thinking only of my own future, I can usually keep myself in that place. But when it comes to thinking ofactuallybeing with someone else—when I evendareto dream of marriage or a family—I can’t ignore the reality I’d be sentencing them to. What my mom went through after my dad died ...” My voice is hoarse. “I can’t be selfish enough toknowinglychoose that fate for someone I love. And who wouldwantto fall in love with someone who could die at any time? Answer: No one.” I fiddle with my fork. “I’ve learned it’s better to warn them up front so they can get out while it’s still easy to walk away ... if they don’t want to deal with the risk. So far, everyone has taken the escape clause.”
“I doubt—”
“Like you said earlier,” I cuthimoff this time, “I don’t blame them. I’m not sureI’dbe willing to take that risk if the situation were reversed.”
Hunter blows out a breath. “Wow. We reallyaremesses, aren’t we?”
I nod with a humorless laugh. “Messy, messy messes.” I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. We both fall silent for a few seconds, then I say, “It’s your turn again.”
“No. No more. I’ve had enough of this ‘game.’ We’re clearly both messes. Point proven.”
When I look up, Hunter’s eyes are on me. His gaze, even in the dark, is unyielding, making me feel as though he’s somehow stripping me bare. The memory of his thumb on my lips rises, sending a frisson of heat snaking down my spine. He keepslookingat me like this. There’s no denying the pull that exists between us. But he’s already hurting, and he knows I’ll only make it worse if he gives in to it. Letting myself get any closer to him will make it harder when he makes therightchoice: to walk away.
“Honey, I’m ho-ome!” Talia singsongs simultaneous to the front door swinging open, startling us both. “Why is it so dark in here?”
Hunter jumps to his feet, shoving his chair back. “I need to ...” He doesn’t finish, turning on his heel and striding away, leaving me sitting alone at the table, my heart in my throat.
He’s already retreated halfway across the family room when Talia switches on the lights. He barrels right past her.
“Hi, Hunter,” she says, but if he acknowledges her, I don’t hear his response.
He rushes out of the condo, doing what he does best—disappearing when things get too real.
He’s gone with a slam of the front door.
19.
Youlikehim!” Talia crows the next morning at the gym.
I apparently made the mistake of talking about Hunter a little bit too much last night ... and this morning. Instead of telling her what I discovered about Farmor at dinner, I told Talia about our game of confessions of a mess. And this morning, Imighthave also told her about his stack of pie graphs and charts to help the bakery. And his admission that he wants to ask me out. And—
“You like him, and you have no idea how to deal with it! You’ve refused to let yourself get this involved with anyone in years,” she continues, “and he snuck in under your radar.”
Talia pushes the bar up for her last set of shoulder presses and then bends over to drop it to the ground.
I scoff at her. “What are you talking about? I’ve dated guys. I’ve hadrelationships.”
Talia hands me a bar, one that’s lighter than hers. “Ten presses. Ready. Go.”
I scowl but do as she commands. Once I start, she puts her hands on her hips and says, “I’m going to give you sometough love right now—and it’s onlybecauseI really do love you. Okay?”
I pause in my reps. “No, not okay. I can’t take tough love right now.”
“Keep going. Who said you could stop?”
I immediately push the bar over my head again.
“And yes, you can handle it. I should have said something long before now. I didn’t want to upset you—but this has gone on long enough.” Talia blows a stray hair off her forehead and sets her feet as if she’s preparing to PR her dead lift. Talia’s words remind me too much of my last conversation with Farmor—and hernudges. My arms begin to tremble. “Liv, I know you’re scared about the future ... but you have to stop using the uncertainty of your prognosis as a weapon to not let anyone get too close to you.”
I nearly drop the bar on my head. Talia jumps forward and grabs it, steadying it and helping me set it down.
“Excuseme?” I say.
Talia straightens and looks at me,reallylooks at me, her familiar dark-brown eyes soft. I canfeelthe surge of acid releasing from the sudden churning in my stomach.
“Livvy, I love you. You’re basically the sister I never had. You know that. We were best friends long before all this started and all the years since. It’s a total miracle that you got a new heart and a new lease on life—but you’ve never let yourselffullyembrace it. You hold on to thechanceyou might still die like it’s a certainty. And you’ve used that to purposely scare off every guy who has ever tried to get close to you.”
I gape at her. The loudthunkof someone dropping a weight nearby makes me flinch. “That ... isnottrue.Theyhave all gotten scared—theyget weird—because that‘uncertainty,’ as you put it, is myreality. Yeah, I’ve purposely tried to scare off a couple of losers. But with all the other guys, I was only telling them the truth about my future, and no one has been able to handle it. I didn’twantto scare them off! I wanted them to say they love me anyway, but no one has!”
