Fury boiled in my gut. “And how didColeknow I was here?”
“He’s had people from his team keeping an eye out for you and Joel,” Jude said without a hint of remorse.
“Of-fucking-course,” I muttered as I unlatched my seatbelt. “Well, congratulations. I’m alive on the outside and dead on theinside. Since apparently the former is the only thing that matters to you, you can go.”
“That’s not all that matters to me.” Jude said, his voice gentle as ever. “But yeah. I have people watching out for you when I can’t because I have reason to believe there’s a mole in the FBI. One that’s working for Valentine. It’s what I wanted to tell you Friday night.” His hand fell away and rested on the console. “I wasn’t trying to upset you, but it was important.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m sorry. I just—I thought you should hear it from me.”
“And is theFBIaware of this ‘mole’?” I said drolly.
“No,” Jude clipped. “You. Me. Cole. A few of his people, since they’re in the private sector. The moment I bring it up to my chain of command, it’ll go on record, which means, if I’m right, we’re all in danger again.” He sighed and ran a hand through his artfully messy hair. “IfI can bring it up to my chain of command. I’m not sure that’s the best course of action.”
“And I’m not sure why you’re telling me,” I muttered. “Not like you trusted me with the fact that you’re in the FBI to begin with.”
“Little fox?—”
“Don’t call me that. It’s Dr. Hawthorne to you.”
Jude sighed. “I went AWOL from an undercover operation. It carries some severe consequences. If they thought you had anything to do with it, you could have been prosecuted. I was trying to protect you. I’m sorry that I hurt you in the process.”
I didn’t say a word because he didn’t deserve my forgiveness, even though I desperately wanted to give it to him.
I would always want to give it to him. I would always defend him. I would always forgive him. I would always love him.
Which is exactly why I had to walk away.
“You’re here to walk through the process of going inside tomorrow, aren’t you?” Jude guessed.
I swore and didn’t bother to keep it trapped in my head. I was done hiding how I felt.
To my surprise, Jude got out of the car, shut the door, and walked around to my side.
The concrete in my chest had cracked, even though we hadn’t resolved a damn thing. I knew what he was doing, and I was too tired to argue with him about it.
Instead, I unbuckled my seatbelt, reached into the backseat to grab my bag, then pulled the handle and pushed the door open the way I had rehearsed in my head.
Jude stood to the side, hands on his hips and head on a swivel, as I shut the door and locked my car.
He stayed a foot away, silent as he escorted me across the parking lot and onto the sidewalk. My hand trembled as I reached for my key card.
“Count your breaths,” he gently instructed. “Think on the inhale, act on the exhale. You can do it.”
Inhale.Tap the keycard against the black box.Exhale.
Beep.
The green dot flashed, signaling that the door was unlocked.
“Good girl,” Jude said quietly, though he didn’t reach for the door handle. I yanked it open and slipped inside as he followed.
The walk was all muscle memory. I rounded the corner as my office came into view. The placard on the door was exactly as it had been at the end of the spring semester. But so much had happened since I saw it last.
I focused on my breaths as I unlocked the door, then I slipped inside and turned on the lights.
Jude stayed by my side and watched my back. I didn’t want to need him. I didn’t want to like having him near. I barely survived being torn away from him the first time. I wouldn’t make it through this unscathed—if I made it out at all.
But today, he had given me something that I desperately needed: the courage to wake up and do this tomorrow.
I reached over and flicked the light switch, then froze.
