Why is your first inclination to justify what he did? Why not just acknowledge that what he did was wrong?Dr. Chen’s first question from our inaugural session was one I still hadn’t been able to answer.
Jude knocked again, a little more insistently.
My hand fell away from the keys as my resolve waned.
I didn’t rehearse the steps in my mind. My body moved of its own free will, unlocking the door.
Wait. What? Why did I do that?I didn’t want to unlock the door. I wanted to leave. I wanted to?—
Jude rounded the hood, popped open the passenger door, and sat down before I could lock it again.
“Leave me alone,” I whispered as more tears welled in my eyes, blurring my vision.
“I won’t be long, but we need to talk.”
I laughed.
And for the life of me, I didn’t know why.
“Are you following me or something?” I dismissed the ridiculous question with a flick of my hand. “Of course you’re following me. You probably put a tracker on my car.”
He hunched forward and pulled his feet back against the edge of the seat, trying to make a little more room for his knees. The slight change in posture tugged at the hem of his T-shirt and exposed the gun that was holstered on his hip.
“And of course you’re carrying a gun.” I scoffed as I dried my eyes with the hem of my Alcott T-shirt. “Was any of it true?”
Jude rested his elbows on his knees and steepled his fingers. “There’s a difference in liking guns and being required to carry one onandoff duty.”
“You never carried one in New Jersey or when we were together.”
“Being undercover comes with a different set of rules.”
“Like the fact that it’s apparently totally fine for you to break someone’s kneecaps with a baseball bat and not go to jail for it?” I sat a little taller as rage brought me back to life.
“Joel was given immunity for his financial crimes. He’s not going to jail in exchange for testifying against Valentine.”
“The endsdo notjustify the means!” I bellowed as rage gave way to heartbreak. “You didn’t save anyone. Youruinedme. You should have left me to fend for myself in Atlantic City! You should have left me to—” Uncontrollable sobs racked my body. My shoulders shook as I held on to the steering wheel for dear life. I could barely speak through the involuntary heaves thatwere making my body ache. “I can’t live like this, Jude! I-I’m n-not living at all!”
I didn’t have the energy to fight him as he wrapped an arm around me and held me in spite of the center console between us.
“If I could go back in time, I would have told you everything.”
“You promised that you wouldn’t keep secrets. You promised you would tell me the whole truth.” My voice broke the same way my heart had. “Youpromised.”
The muscles in his arms tensed, like he wanted to hold me closer, but he didn’t. Or couldn’t. Or wouldn’t.
Warmth blanketed me as he rested his forehead on the back of my neck. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
Neither of us said a word for the longest time. At some point, he began to rub my back, lulling me into a daze.
The comfort that I had always felt with him immediately returned, but it was a sick tease.
“I’m so tired,” I whispered. “Sotired.” I sat up and wiped my eyes. “I can’t do this. I can’t handle this.”
“Can’t handle what?”
“You. I don’t know why you came but?—”
“I was on my way down from Rhode Island.” Jude pointed out the window at the truck I had become all too familiar with, though it sported a new paint job—ready to tell a new story. “Cole brought it back from Chicago. I’m taking it back to Newark.” His thumb stroked across the back of my neck. “He told me you were here.”
