But she masked it all with anger.
“How about that I don’t like being toyed with? I don’t like being treated like a pawn in some fucked up, narcissistic game.”
“Whoa—” I grabbed her arm as she moved off of me. “Hold on. I knowallof those things about you.”
Sunset hair flared as she whipped her head back toward me. “Really? Because you could have fooled me.”
“Wills—”
“Why won’t you have sex with me?” she snapped. “I’ve made it pretty fucking clear that I want it. You touch me like you want to fuck me. Or do you just do that because you like messing with my head?”
Tears had begun to well in her eyes. She looked away, not wanting me to see how much my rejection hurt.
“Willow—”
“I’m fine,” she snapped as she pushed off the bed and marched toward the door, but I was hot on her heels.
“Willow.”
She marched through the house, and I saw her beelining for her car keys.
“Autumn,” I snapped with enough edge to my voice to make her stop dead in her tracks. I came up behind her and slid my hands down her waist, resting them on her hips. “Have I been giving you mixed signals, or have you just been conditioned to associate touch with sex?”
She stiffened, but didn’t move.
“I don’t associate touch with sex,” she countered defensively. Each word was whispered and warped as she tried to hide the hurt in her voice. “Youtouch me like you want sex.”
“I touch you because I like physical touch. It’s one of the ways I feel connected to someone. If it makes you uncomfortable or it’s not how you want to receive attention, I will stop. You have my word.”
Willow didn’t make a peep.
“But that’s not it, is it?” I guessed as I grazed the shell of her ear with my mouth.
“Why don’t you want to have sex?” she said to the floor.
“Because you don’t trust me yet. And that’s a line I’m not going to cross just because it would feel good.”
“I trust you.”
“Don’t lie to me, Autumn.” I smoothed my hands back up her waist, over her shoulders, and down her arms. I covered the backs of her hands with mine and twined our fingers together. “Here’s what I do know about you. I know you think this is a game for me. A dare. It’s not. I know you think I’m some two-bit grifter. I’m not. And I know that you think when I touch you like this, that it has to lead to something more. It doesn’t.” I kissed her temple. “I hold your hand because it feels like we’reon the same side. I kiss your head because I think you’re fucking brilliant and I will take any chance I can to be close to that kind of wit. I hug you because I feel indestructible when you rest your head on my chest, and I hope that makes you feel safe. I cup your cheeks because you always smile when I do, even if it’s just for a millisecond. It’s like holding the sun. I put my hands on your back or your waist or your hips because I want you to know I’m here to support you.” Gently, I turned her to face me. “And I kiss your lips so you know that I would give you my last breath if you asked for it.”
Tears rolled down her cheeks, one after the other.
“I don’t touch you because I want sex, Willow. I touch you because I wantyou.”
She shifted between her feet, looking at anything but me.
I took her hand in mine and turned her palm face up, placing a soft kiss in the middle. “I don’t want you to associate touch with an expected outcome because I want to be able to hold your hand for a long, long time. If you think I want sex every time I touch you, you’ll eventually resent me every time I touch you. If me kissing you always leads to sex, you’ll feel betrayed if my body fails someday and sex is off the table. I want to be able to hold you when you’re angry with me without you feeling like I’m trying to get something from you. I need to be able to comfort you in moments where sex is the furthest thing on our minds. You are so much more important to me than sex.”
Tear-tipped lashes lifted, giving me those mossy green eyes. “No one’s ever said that to me before . . .”
“That’s a damn shame, sweetheart. But I mean every word.”
“I know,” she whispered.
I led her to the couch and tucked her into my side. “Can I be honest with you?”
Willow nodded.
