“You sure have some fucking nerve coming back here and showing your fucking face,” Dog said, and the hate in his eyes was new, something I never thought would be directed at me, from him.
The look strangled and squeezed my heart in a brutal vise.
Upper looked away from me like he couldn’t bear to look at me for a second longer.
And Milk? There was nothing there. There was nothing in her gaze; she just looked at me like she was looking at a stranger.
Devil—with the way he looked at me—was disappointed.
“Get the fuck out,” Dog said.
“I will. I just wanted to—” I let out a small breath. “I’m sorry, I know I fucked up—”
“You more than fucked up. You crossed over the line of fucked up, and we don’t wanna hear it,” Dog said. “Get the fuck out.”
“At least hear me out, I’m sorry—”
“We don’t even know who you are,” Milk said. “You had a whole freaking convoy to usher you out. Did you forget we had eyes outside that area?”
“And you left them there to die,” Upper said. “You betrayed us, and you betrayed Marino. I don’t think a simpleI’m sorrywill be able to fix anything.”
I didn’t leave because I wanted to save only myself. I left for a good cause.I could tell them that, but I was done being selfish—I had brought them together, and now I had to let them go. I was going to be in this for the rest of my life, I always knew that. I couldn’t pull them down along with me. This was too dangerous, too personal, it was too fucked up for them. I couldn’t ruin them with any of it. I already took too much. I had to becomeone of their bad memories because I didn’t deserve to leave this unscathed.
I couldn’t have my cake and eat it. They deserved better.
“I’m not here to fix anything,” I said, and Devil frowned. “Honestly.” I huffed out a laugh. “I don’t fucking care about any of this shit you guys are trying to throw at me. I know I left, and I betrayed you guys. I know where I’m at fault, and I’m fucking owning it and apologizing for it, and if you guys can’t take my apology, then so fucking be it.”
“This motherfucker,” Dog gritted out under his breath.
“Zahra, whatever you’re trying to do, this is most definitely not the best way to do it,” Devil said with a glare.
“I don’t care,” I replied, squaring my shoulders. “Street was fun, and this was nice. But I created it, and now I’m uncreating it. There’s so much going on that you fuckers don’t know about, and shit just got very fucking real for me, and everything I’ve worked so damn hard for is on the line right now because I chose this path.” I let out a shaky breath.
“Let me guess,” Milk started. “We were a means to an end for you, weren’t we? A small piece of whatever grand scheme you’re a part of.”
“If that’s what you wanna hear, then yes. I specifically picked each and every single one of you because there was a lot to benefit for my whole personal fucking selfish gain. All skilled people, alone, looking for a home, looking for friends, ambition, riches, fucking purpose. I gave you all that shit, and now in a way, I’ve also given you gold. I’m the bad guy, ta-fucking-da.”
“Get out,” Devil said; the anger in his eyes held firm. It was promising. But the promise wasn’t anything good. “Seriously, fucking leave.”
“I was leaving anyway,” I said, my heart squeezing even more. “Upper was leaving, too… I thought I should mention.”
Upper’s head snapped up, his eyes finding mine, wide with apprehension. “What the bloody hell, Zahra!”
“What? You weren’t going to tell them?” I laughed, but itwas humorless. “This was a fucking sinking ship, we all wanted different things.”
“You’re leaving?” Devil directed the question to Upper.
“No, it’s not—I didn’t make the—”
“Also, Devil knew who I was for weeks and didn’t tell any of you. I’m not the only one who isn’t loyal and is capable of betraying all of you.”
“What the hell is wrong with you, Zahra?” Milk asked, looking at me with disbelief.
“Oh please, don’t pretend to be all fucking innocent now. You haven’t always had it easy here. I know you still have nightmares about your mom, and you wanted them to stop. Street was supposed to be your escape but ended up being a prison where we do the same things your mom always did to you… The pretty face, the beautiful body, your only assets, your only actual value in Street. What was it you said on the cruise? How you wanted to be normal, and have a normal life? News flash, Milk, you can’t be around us and have a normal life, and you know that. And somewhere deep fucking down, you’re looking for a way to leave. Am I wrong?”
She couldn’t speak, and the tears in her eyes told me I had broken something between us that could never be repaired.
I looked around us and almost broke into tears then and there. I couldn’t see any of them clearly due to the tears filling my eyes. “You’ve all got the gold; you’ve all got a second chance to be who you want, to take revenge on life and experience all the things you’ve missed out on because of your fucked-up parents. So you each take the gold and get the fuck out of Italy and these fucking streets.
