“It’s tourist season. This is usually your favorite time of year,” Melody chuckled before gaping at me. “Is the player tired of the game?”
“I hardly think I own that title anymore. It’s been a while since I’ve been there.” I smirked.
“I could dissect the hell out of this. You know I love to deep-dive into people’s motives and fears. Shall we?” Melody asked, her tone playful as she reached for the wine bottle and filled her glass.
“Sure. Let’s hear it, doc,” I said, my heart rate picking up a bit at what she might uncover. Because it was becoming abundantly clear that my lifestyle changes were very connected to what was going on in my best friend’s life, and Melody wasn’t one to hold back. But I straightened my features as I leaned back in my chair, as if I didn’t have a care in the world.
“She’s already done a deep dive into my dating life, or lack of it,” Gracie said, laughing. “It was actually helpful.”
“Okay. I’m down to be dissected. Have at it.”
“Well, obviously you have typical abandonment issues, based on your relationship with Tara. Your biological mother was not around and has shown up periodically throughout your life, usually for selfish purposes. She’s the epitome of a narcissist, and you will instinctually protect yourself from those kind of experiences moving forward. It’s the natural thing to do.”
“So I avoid narcissists?” I chuckled. “Got it.”
“Maybe I should give that a try,” Gracie grumped.
“If only we could all avoid narcissists, life would be much easier. But at the end of the day, Gracie and I have a different experience with our situations. It’s probably why the three of us have always been so close, because we’ve all got something in common. We were all raised by single dads who married women who stepped up for us. However, the big difference between what Gracie and I went through versus what you went through is that our moms were never in the picture. So there was no feeling of loss in that sense. We never knew anything different. No one came in and out of our lives and messed with our heads.”
“And that means what?” I asked, taking a drink of my beer as I studied her.
My cousin was brilliant, and she knew her shit, so I actually found this interesting.
“Meaning you’re cautious with who you trust,” she said, holding her hands up to stop me from disagreeing. “Not on the outside, Cutler. You’re this fun-loving, charming, bigger-than-life guy. We all know that. I’m talking about an internal voice that reminds you to be careful. The people you’re close to—you’re very close to. But that’s actually a small group of friends that you fully trust. And then you have a big list of acquaintances. People you enjoy but don’t go deep with. Hence your dating life.”
“Shots fired,” I said over my laughter. “You act like I don’t do relationships. I’ve dated plenty. I just don’t have any desire to get serious. I’m content with my life. With my work. It works for me.”
“And that takes me to the real reason I think you hold back.” Melody sighed and turned to look at me. “You sure you want to hear this?”
“Free therapy? Let’s do this.” My voice was laced with humor, though I was actually curious about what she was going to say.
“I think these deep-rooted abandonment issues have caused you to always be cautious, while hiding it beneath a very charming demeanor. People trust you, Cutler. You are the cautious one. And when your beautiful mama, Emerson, got sick, it triggered every fear you were trying to keep at bay.”
“How so?” I asked, my voice more serious now.
“Well, I think you learned a painful lesson that a person who is supposed to love you, like Tara for example, can walk out of your life by choice. But Emerson getting sick was the first time you realized that someone you loved fiercely could be taken from you. And that’s terrifying. And there were a lot of scary momentsthat year. Moments when I remember seeing you appear as a shell of yourself. As if you’d emotionally detached because it was too much to accept that she might not make it.” She reached for my hand and squeezed it. “You didn’t go away to college—you stayed back and attended every single appointment with her. But then you went rogue when you weren’t with her. Drinking and getting into fights. It was a coping mechanism.”
I blew out a breath, my chest suddenly tight as I tried to swallow down the emotion lodged in my throat. I glanced across the table to see Gracie’s eyes wet with emotion, as if that time in my life had been just as painful for her.
“And then she got better,” I said. “Little by little, she fought like the badass warrior she is. And she came out of it even stronger, and thank fucking God, because I can’t imagine a world without my mother in it.” It was the truth. I loved her with everything I had.
“Right. But I think that’s when you changed the way you look at relationships.”
“Really?” I shrugged. “I feel like I went back to school that next year, and got back on track.”
“Do you remember when you were young, you used to always say you were going to grow up someday and marry Gracie Reynolds.” She chuckled. “And I know you were just a kid and it was all in good fun. And you two became the best of friends and never went there—but Emerson got sick before your first year of college, and after that—you never spoke of long-term relationships with women again. Everything was light and casual. I think there’s a reason for that.”
“Not that I’m just a dude who changes his mind too quickly and hasn’t found anyone who knocked him on his ass yet?” I tried to keep it light and playful, but she was definitely hitting a nerve.
“No. I think the reality set in.” Her voice grew even more serious and her gaze locked with mine. “You can control who you let into your life, into your heart, by being cautious, choosing people who aren’t selfish, who you trust—but you can’t control if someone is taken from you unfairly. You can have all the trust in the world in them, and they can still get sick. They can get in an accident and be taken from you. And I think that fear has caused you to put a guard around yourself. You don’t want to find a partner, a girlfriend, a wife, because if you loved someone enough to go there and they left you, you couldn’t survive it.”
My eyes widened and I reached for my beer, drinking the last of it as her words set in.
“Well, look at my relationship with Gracie. I wouldn’t survive it if she got sick and left me, but here we are. So how do you explain that? I have many friends and family that I couldn’t handle losing, but I don’t cut them out of my life.” I raised a brow, challenging her.
“Correct. But those were all people who were already in your life. Most of the people you are super close with were in your life before Emerson got sick. And building a future with someone is different. Take Gracie for example,” she said, looking between us. “She’ll most likely find a partner and start a family with someone at some point. You aren’t setting your life up to do that. I think it’s fear that’s holding you back.”
“Not everyone wants that. Gracie and I want different things, and that’s okay. I don’t think I’d be a great husband or father, if I’m being honest,” I said, surprised by the words that had left my mouth.
