With my anger gone, I step back and turn to press my forehead against the wall. I don’t want to see the pity on his face as I reveal the dark, shameful truth that’s lurked inside me all these years. “I threw away every ounce of my pride andbeggedher to reconsider. But all she did was laugh in my face and say that no sane person wouldeverchoose me.”
And that’s the crux of the issue.
Until I met Theo and Rhys, no one had chosen me. Not my father’s wives when they found out what a piece of shit he was and left without a single look back. Not the teachers at school who saw the bruises and broken bones and didnothing. And definitely not my piece of shit father, who dealt with his guilt and grief over my mother’s death with enraged fists and cruel words.
So why the fuck would Ollie—the beautiful, brave, and amazing woman that she is—choosemewhen no one else did? Hell, even my best friend is choosing someone else over me.
A strangled sound escapes Theo’s lips moments before a hand lands on my shoulder. “Alex,” he says, the word filled with so much grief, pain, and horror. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You never asked, and I didn’t know whether you’d believe me.”
He sucks in a sharp breath. “You didn’t know if I’d believe you?”
I shrug. “You were enamoured with her,bothof you were, and I didn’t want to ruin that for you.” God knows they’d needed it after the shit fewyears they’d both had. Theo’s mum had died from cancer just six months before we met Willow, and Rhys was suffering through the infamous SAS Selection. They both deserved some happiness.
“Fuck.” His hand on my shoulder tightens.
“And then Willow revealed what she wanted and that she’d cheated on us, and since you left her instead of staying, I kept it to myself. I figured with her gone, that would be the end of it.”
“Until Ollie.”
I swallow hard and nod. “Until Ollie.”
Looking back, Willow was someone who was entirely too selfish to have a successful poly relationship. The only reason she entered into one was because she wanted to fuck several people at the same time while having the safety and stability of a relationship. It was never about trust or affection or burgeoning love; it was purely about Willow and her selfish need to have anything and everything without consequences.
But I didn’t realise any of that until she ripped my heart out.
Ollie is different. There’s an innate selflessness and loyalty to her that Willow only pretended to have. It’s obvious she loves deeply and unconditionally—she risked her life to save her brother and has had our backs since that first day with the horde. She’s strong, brave, and outspoken, but there’s a fragility to her as well. Pain and sorrow, so familiar to my own, clings to her like a dark cloud, overshadowing every ounce of joy she has, but she never lets it stop her from doing the right thing.
With Ollie, I could see a poly relationship working.
And it scares the shit out of me.
“You're right. I’m sorry, Alex,” Theo says after a moment of heavy silence. “I should have listened to you instead of getting frustrated and just bulldozing over you.” He squeezes my shoulder. “But you know everything Willow said was wrong, right?”
“Is it?” I shrug his hand off my shoulder and turn to face him. “You know what kind of man my father was. You know the kind of violenceand rage that runs through my veins. Hell, Ijustattacked you.” I motion to the wicked bruise blooming on his cheek.
“And we both know I deserved it.”
I shake my head. “Deserve it or not, I shouldn’t have hit you. You’re my best friend.” I tilt my head upward until I’m staring at the star-studded expanse out the skylight. “Maybe Willow was right, and I don’t deserve to be chosen.” It’s my deepest, darkest fear. One that lurks in the corner of my mind, using my father’s voice to whisper insidious thoughts whenever I feel even an ounce of hope or joy.
“You can’t seriously believe that, can you?” Theo asks in an incredulous tone, like I’ve just told him there are pink elephants flying in the sky.
I shrug and keep staring at the stars, but he doesn’t let me get away with it. He grabs the sides of my head and forces me to look at him.
“Alex, you arenotyour father.” He practically spits the words at me as he levels a hard glare at me. “I will say it until the day I die.You are not him.” His hands tighten on my face almost painfully when I try to pull away. “You are kind, hardworking andgood. There’s not a bad bone in your body, not a monstrous thought in your mind.”
I shake my head as much as his hold allows. “I’ve had plenty of horrific thoughts in my head.” Too many to count, and what’s worse is that I’veactedon them. Just like that man I beat to death after Ollie’s ex cornered us. I should have just shot him, but I was so damnangryabout what had almost happened to Ollie that I snapped.
What happens if the next time I snap it’s at Ollie?
Just the thought is enough to have bile burning my throat.
“Whatever you’re thinking, stop it now,” Theo demands, cutting through the haze of horror and fear clouding my thoughts.
“I don’t want to hurt her,” I whisper, blinking back tears.
“And you won’t.”
