But no relationship ever fit into little boxes. The truth was, Luca and Dell had shared something. Even if it was mostly physical, it had come with a sense of trust, of safety, that wasn’t exactly easy for a person like Dell to find. It had lasted almost as long as Dell’s longest relationship.
Maybe they had iced each other out at times; maybe they didn’t share all the details of their lives. But they had spent a lot of hours in this place, even when they weren’t actively fucking, in quiet acceptance, skin to skin. It meant something to sleep next to another person, close enough to feel their heat, to wake up next to them. To learn the shape of another person’s body, the secret spots that made them shiver. It was fucking vulnerable. Theydidknow each other, Dell thought, in a way that had been singular, unique to them. Dell imagined Luca would find a man, eventually, that he’d be able to open his whole self up to. Who he’d share all the secrets hiding behind those mysterious, brooding eyes with, in addition to all the private pleasures of his body. Dell’s chest ached with jealousy at the thought.
But still, that man wouldn’t know Luca in the exact same way Dell had known him, these last two years. Just like Mae wouldn’t know the Dell who had existed in this cabin exactly like Luca did. None of it lessened anything else; no amount of care minimized other care. It was still all care. It all carried weight.
But Dell knew he’d likely already pushed Luca too far. He’d already put enough of his thoughts out there, and they weren’t Luca’s burden to bear if he wasn’t interested in hearing them.
So he kept his mouth shut, and Luca took another long sip of beer before he said, “It was what we agreed to. Sorry if I reacted badly to this. I had just thought that we’d already said goodbye, so…I don’t know. This caught me off guard.”
“Wait. You thought we’d said goodbye?”
Luca cut his eyes toward Dell’s.
“Yeah, Dell,” he said, quiet but not unkind. “We did.”
Dell looked away, back toward the Pacific, feeling suddenly childish.
Another long silence passed, but this one felt off-balance. Like Luca had finally relaxed, and Dell was glad for that, but Dell was, himself, increasingly lost.
“So we can’t…” And Jesus, maybe Dell really was a crude ass, but apparently he was going to ask anyway. “Go one more time?”
Luca slowly shook his head.
“I mean.” He gestured vaguely toward Dell with his beer, even as his eyes remained focused on the window. “My body has a Pavlovian response to you at this point; I’m pretty much crawling out of my skin to touch you.” Luca cleared his throat. “But if we went one more time, I think it’d just make me sad. And sad sex isn’t up my alley.”
Dell’s throat went tight.
Luca had described it perfectly.Crawling out of my skin to touch you. He knew Luca was right; following every instinct in his body right now likely wouldn’t be a good idea.
Part of him was bitter, though, that Luca had known the last time had been the last, and he hadn’t.
But maybe…a tiny part of him had.
Either way, the fact that he and Luca would never have another time, that he would never havethisagain, a moment alone in Luca’s cabin, made the hyper awareness of Dell’s skin shift from arousal to something painful. Like it wanted to rip right off of his bones.
Even if he was the one doing the ripping.
“Well.” Dell stood abruptly, placing his can on the table. “Probably shouldn’t drink too much more of that.”
Because maybe he could have stayed to shoot the shit with Luca until the beer ran dry, but something about that felt even more painful than sad sex. Even more of a misdirection than whatever Dell had already done here today.
“Yeah.” Luca joined him, placing his own can next to Dell’s. “Sorry. Probably shouldn’t have given you one at all; it was just…”
“Routine.” Dell smiled sadly. “Yeah, I know. But I should go.”
“Yeah.” Luca attempted to give him a smile back. “You probably should.”
Dell paused at the door, glancing behind his shoulder.
“It won’t be weird between us, if we run into each other at the IGA or something? I don’t want it to be weird between us.”
Luca’s smile didn’t fade, but he said, “I can’t guarantee that, Dell. At least not for a while.”
Dell looked back at the door.
“I’m sorry, Luca.”
A moment passed. He felt, more than saw, Luca’s shrug.
