“I’m not. I mean, I’m sorry as hell right now, but…it had to end at some point. Right? And you deserve to be happy.” And then, a true kindness: “It’s okay, Dell.” Another shrug, small this time. “We’re okay.”
And even if Dell had had any more words, he wouldn’t have been able to say them.
With a nod and one last glance, he shut the door behind him.
twenty-two
Dell’s mindwent fuzzy when he returned to his truck. When he backed out of Luca’s driveway. When he turned south.
And somehow, a seeming blink of an eye later, he found himself standing inside of Bay Books, in front of Mae, who was arranging books on Dell’s bookshelves. Mae had been arranging books on Dell’s bookshelves all week. She had this look on her face, every single time he walked in and saw her like this, that made him want to take her lower lip between his teeth.
“He said no.”
Mae turned, eyes blinking up at him in surprise.
“What?”
“Luca.”
Recognition dawned, and her eyes turned to pools of pity.
“Oh. He’s not into it?”
Why had Dell come here? He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to be…somewhere, anywhere, outside of his own skin. He’d needed to tell Mae, straight away, some bone deep, instinctual feeling that had swept over him as soon as he’d left Luca’s cabin, like when he needed to talk to his mom after a trigger. But he could have just sent a fucking text. Why was he here?
“No,” he managed.
“Dell.” Mae’s eyes were entirely too soft, and she smelled entirely too good. “Oh, Dell, I’m so sorry.”
All that honesty shit piled up in his brain, and he almost blurted,I’m sad, but stopped himself just in time. He’d felt like enough of an amateur at Luca’s.
“I need some time.”
“Of course.” Mae nodded, taking a step back, as if they needed an extra barrier between themselves for Dell’s processing. Which, well, they probably fucking did. Dell had no idea what he was likely to do, just then. “Take all the time you need. Seriously, Dell.”
“Okay.” Dell scratched his beard. “Okay.”
And he turned and left.
He found himself at the house next, grabbing the dogs. He gathered every single one, even Young, and opened the door of the truck, watched them all hop in, even though he’d never had them all in the truck because Young was still too much of a loose cannon. But he closed the door behind them all with a bang and hoped for the best.
And then they drove.
* * *
When Dell got back to his house that night, an email from The Nature Conservancy sat in his inbox, finally signaling movement about the wetlands at the edge of the old Edwards’ farm.
Dell thanked whoever was out there for saving graces.
They’d been in protracted communication about the Edwards tract for months. While Dell always tried to reach out to local land trusts first with spaces like these, all the non-profits in Lincoln County had been strapped for cash lately. But he knew The Nature Conservancy could do something with it, if only the guy in Eugene would come out and walk it with him. Which it sounded, finally, like he would.
Dell was behind on orders for his online shop, too. Had been for weeks.
And so he hunkered down in his workshop, and walked through a marsh with someone who would help save it, and hammered out paperwork, and continued working on Mae’s bookshelves, when he could.
Even if he barely talked to her, barely stepped inside the shop, when he did.
The truth was, he wasn’t entirely sure how to make this transition. He still felt more raw over Luca than he wanted to be, even if he knew he was being dramatic about it. Sadder about the loss of their potential, perhaps, than what they truly were. Either way, it had been his favorite routine in his new life, and now it was gone.
