He reached forward, resting a hand on Ben’s side. But that wasn’t quite right, not what he wanted. He slipped his hand underneath Ben’s sweatshirt, his T-shirt, until he could feel his skin. Yes, that was better.
Ben inhaled as Alexei drew him closer.
“Ben,” Alexei said. “I didn’t say no.”
Ben looked at him with such hope in his eyes that Alexei could kick himself. But he wanted to keep running his thumb over Ben’s side more.
“I only said I need to think about it,” he said.
“I know.” Ben sighed, hanging his head in his hands. “I know. Which I knew you would need to do. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry.” Alexei bit his lip. His heart was thundering a little lesswith each minute that the shock of Ben’s question wore off, with each second that he got to touch Ben. “It’s…it’s really nice. That you’d want me to come.”
Ben dropped his hands.
“Of course I want you to come, Lex,” he said, and Alexei’s chest got that sinky caramel feeling again.
“I just need to think about it,” he said again anyway.
And as they entered the room, as they gathered their things and prepared their packs for another day on the trail, Alexei’s brain finally started to filter through the realities of Ben’s question.
Leaving the trail. A week without walking.
Visiting Nashville, Tennessee. An area of the country Alexei had never seen. That hadn’t been on his list of cities. But maybe it could be.
Meeting Ma.
Meeting Carolina, Tiago, Julie.
Seeing where Ben grew up. His childhood home.
It meant knowing all of Ben, not just the parts of himself he chose to bring to the trail. It meant…Alexei was still trying to process exactly what it meant. But it meant something. Something big and not at all part of his plan.
Would Ben introduce Alexei to his family as his boyfriend?
Ben had been inside Alexei last night, had made Alexei come this morning before he was barely even awake, but the thought ofthat—being Ben’sboyfriend—made Alexei’s throat run dry.
Was that what Alexei wanted?
Of course it is, a tiny voice in his brain shouted immediately.It’s all you’ve ever wanted. What is even wrong with you?
Alexei swallowed. It was true. Alexei had always wanted a partner. God, he’dcalledBen his partner last night, hadn’t he? And Ben hadn’t freaked out.
He just…he thought he’d have Alexei 2.0 better established first. That he’d be a steadier, newly resettled, more confident person before he took on contemplating boyfriends.
But he was possibly getting ahead of himself. Ben probably didn’t consider Alexei his boyfriend.
It was just a visit. Like a vacation.
Alexei had always loved vacations.
Ben and Alexei bade adieu to their king bed. Alexei dropped the keys off at the front desk.
They made their way across the parking lot, toward I-15. The asphalt absorbed the hot desert sun, tossed it back at them.
A month, Alexei thought as they walked along the side of the interstate, the rush of passing cars and trucks rattling their bones. A month was a long time. God, he’d barely been on the trail a month, and it felt like years.
They found the trailhead. It would be all uphill today, up, up into Angeles National Forest, toward Mount Baden-Powell. Alexei remembered talking Ben through Fuller Ridge, that first day they’d hiked together, how he told Ben to take it one peak at a time.
