A party.
Ben was leaving the trail for a party.
Okay, and his beloved sister’s graduation.
Some part of Alexei’s brain knew this was understandable. People often left the trail for major life events. And…Ben said he’d be leaving in a month. More time for Alexei to spend with him, to indulge in this…thing they were doing, and then Alexei could go back to figuring out the rest of his life. An easy, neat resolution.
So why did his insides feel like they were dying?
“I’ll be coming back, to finish the trail,” Ben said again, with emphasis, like he was making a promise to Alexei, or to himself. “I should have told you about these plans already, probably, but it still feels so far away. Sometimes I forget it’s happening. But…”Ben dropped his eyes again, trailed a finger around a drop of water on the table. “I sort of had an idea. But I didn’t know if it was out of line or not.”
Ben cleared his throat and sat straighter, shoving his hands into the pocket of his sweatshirt.
“I was wondering if you’d like to come with me.”
Alexei blinked.
“To Nashville?” His voice sounded funny in his own ears.
The corner of Ben’s mouth curved up the tiniest bit.
“Yeah. To Nashville. I was planning to stay for just over a week, eight days or so, before coming back.”
When Alexei didn’t say anything, Ben rushed on.
“I haven’t bought the plane tickets yet, because I wasn’t sure exactly where I’d be on the trail. Like, I had a guesstimate, but in case I had injuries, or there were closures, or something happened, you know. But things are pretty on track, so I think I can make it to the Sierras, and then hop a ride to Reno. And…I’m thinking I should buy them soon, before they get too expensive.”
Ben swallowed and reached for his coffee again.
“No pressure, of course; I mean, it’s a big thing, asking you to buy unexpected plane tickets out of nowhere, to take a break from the trail you weren’t planning on, but it would be fun. I think.”
Work, brain. Work. Say something.
“But either way, if you don’t want to come, which again would be totally fine, you know I’d meet you again when I got back. If you wanted. I’d skip whatever miles you’d hiked while I was gone, start up again where you were.”
“How?” Alexei was barely keeping up—he had never felt so bewildered in his life—but somehow this prompted words out of his mouth. “How would you know where I was? I don’t have a phone.”
Ben’s shoulders drooped. “Your emergency locator. I could find you on that, right?”
“You’d have to download a program, to sync with it.” Alexei knew he was being obstinate for no good reason. He was reacting badly. Of course, Ben could find him with the GPS locator. That was why he’d paid so much money for the darn thing. A way to be found. If he wanted to be.
“What, like an app? I can download an app, Alexei.” Ben smiled, hesitant but sincere. “I would find you, Lex.”
An awkward silence filled the air. Alexei picked at the remnants of his second muffin. His heart thrummed in his ears.
“Is it okay if I need some time to think about it?” Alexei finally asked.
Ben nodded, but his eyes were sad, the set of his jaw tense and disappointed. Alexei wanted to kiss him. Alexei wanted to run out the front door of the Cajon Pass Inn and never look back.
“Yeah, of course,” Ben said. He started gathering his trash, crumpling a napkin onto his plate, clearly trying to brush off the weird mood that permeated everything. “Like I said, I knew it was a big ask.”
Ben stood and carried his plate to a trash can, draining the last dregs of his coffee along the way. Alexei followed him outside, his insides twisted.
“Look.” Ben twirled around when they were outside their room. “Can we maybe forget I even asked you? It was too much. I—” He brought a hand up to scratch at the back of his head. They’d each taken a quick shower before heading to the continental breakfast. Ben’s hair was down, in damp, beautiful waves. “Would you even want to—”
He swallowed, looking away, off into the hills.
Alexei couldn’t stand it.
