On the first thrust, Ben hit a spot that made Alexei lose his breath, lose his words completely. But he wanted Ben to know, wanted to tell him. So he allowed his body to release a kind of cry, a type of sacred proclamation. One that, once he started, Alexei couldn’t quite stop. He would’ve been embarrassed, probably, if Ben hadn’t returned the noise with one of his own, one lower and more guttural that only made Alexei feel wilder.
No, this wasn’t like that swipe-right at all.
Alexei couldn’t imagine being like this—feeling like this—with anyone else, ever, in the history and future of the entire world.
They moved together, that caramel feeling Alexei had felt before deepening along with the tension in his spine, until his whole existence became an intense, underground tremor, looking for fault lines, a chance to break through. His fault lines learned Ben’s movements, even as they grew faster, more erratic, Ben’s face contorted with concentration and pleasure all at once. Alexei loved being able to watch more this time, this way, couldn’t get enough of it, every detail of how Ben breathed, the muscles that strained in his neck.
Finally, when he couldn’t take it anymore, Alexei reached down and grabbed at himself clumsily, exploding within seconds, and the whole time, he thought:
only you
only you
only you
Ben came two thrusts later, forehead creased. There was a vein at Ben’s right temple that always pulsed when he came, Alexei now knew. He wanted to kiss it but was too disoriented to make it happen. Instead he watched Ben’s mouth, slack and open as he rode it through, his thighs trembling underneath Alexei’s.
“Fuck,” he said softly before he let go of his hold on Alexei’s calves, before he dropped down and let his forehead rest on Alexei’s chest.
Alexei ran his fingers into Ben’s hair, liked the feeling of him there, liked the feeling of Ben still inside him as they both came down, until it became uncomfortable. A whisper of that immediate post-coital shame still breathed in Alexei’s head, but it was mostly smothered by Ben’s weight, by the smell of him, by the nonsense babbling Ben was currently expelling into his chest—“so good, fuck,hrmmmmm, God, Lex, fuck”—that made him laugh.
After Ben had carefully withdrawn, after he’d wiped down Alexei and retreated to the bathroom to clean himself, Alexei curled onto his side and listened to the music still pouring from Ben’s phone, the sweat on his skin cooling, his limbs deadweight on the bed. It felt truly indulgent, this wide expanse of bed, and Alexei loved it. Like he could picture himself a prince, something he had never quite pictured for himself before. A gay, sore, happy prince.
And as Ben returned to his side, pulled the blankets up over their hips, as Ben’s arm curled around his stomach and Alexei’s fingers found his, Alexei wondered if his entire life, he had simply been fed the wrong fairy tales.
Chapter Nineteen
The continental breakfast didnothave Raisin Nut Bran, as predicted.
Alexei told himself that was why Ben was acting strange.
The morning had been blissful. Alexei had slept better than he had since first stepping foot onto the PCT, evidenced by how relaxed his body felt now. His mind was sharp, fully awake, like he could take on the world.
He thought Ben had been feeling the same, what with the energy he had attacked Alexei with once they were both awake. Alexei was still feeling the effects of Ben’s mouth and tongue and fingertips as he sat in this small lobby, shoveling in scrambled eggs and blueberry muffins and—yes, hallelujah, Fruit Loops—making up for the calories he’d lost over the last twelve hours, prepping for all he’d soon need for another day on the trail.
But almost as soon as they’d sat down with their paper plates and tiny plastic cups of juice, Ben had gone quiet. Quiet in a different way than he often was with Alexei on trail. This was a tense quiet: bunched shoulders, a tight, uncharacteristic set to Ben’s jaw. Alexei watched him uneasily as Ben sipped from a steaming cup of black coffee, eyes unfocused.
Maybe Ben was tired. Maybe he just needed caffeine.
Maybe Ben had a headache. They were likely both dehydrated.
Alexei tried not to panic as Ben put down the coffee. As Ben stared at the table. Fiddled with his fork.
“So I, um. Have something to tell you. And ask you.”
Alexei’s mind fuzzed, like radio static. In between stations, no clear signal.
“It’s not a huge deal,” Ben started, “but I’ve been thinking about it, ever since you said last night that you want me to be clear about things. So I thought I should tell you now, even though—” He blew out a breath and wiped a hand down his face. “Sorry. I’m probably being overly dramatic about this. I just don’t want to freak you out.”
“Ben.” Alexei worked to keep his voice calm. “You are already freaking me out.”
“Right. Sorry.” Ben gripped both hands around his cup of coffee and looked Alexei in the eye. “In a month, I’m getting off the trail.”
Alexei’s stomach left his body.Woosh, gone. Good-bye, intestines.
“Temporarily,” Ben added quickly. “I have to go back to Nashville. I need to be there for Lina’s high school graduation, and my uncle Jaco’s having a fiftieth birthday party around the same time. And Caravalho family parties are truly not to be missed.”
Ben attempted a nervous, close-lipped smile.
