Alexei sighed. “I’d waited for so long, Ben,” he said quietly. “I wanted to be sure.”
Ben lifted his head with a frown. “Be sure?”
Alexei shrugged, as much as he could. “Yeah.”
“But that’s not—” Ben closed his eyes before opening them again, looking down at Alexei with that familiar concern. “That’s not how it works, Lex. You don’t have to have sex to confirm you’re queer.”
Alexei’s frustration returned. “Fine. But maybe I just…wanted to be touched, okay?”
Ben’s face softened. “Yeah, Lex. Okay. I know.”
But Alexei’s frustration didn’t disappear this time. He took a deep breath. “Ben,” he said. “Remember what you said about boundaries?”
Ben nodded.
Alexei turned his gaze toward the ceiling. “I think one of my boundaries is that you don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot.”
He wasn’t looking at Ben’s face. But he heard his soft inhale of breath. And felt Ben’s fingers leaving him, his hand resting on Alexei’s knee instead.
And he heard the hurt in Ben’s voice when he said quietly, “Lex. I don’t think you’re an idiot.”
Alexei exhaled, meeting Ben’s eyes again, wincing at the confusion there. “I know. I’m sorry.” He ran his hands up Ben’s chest in reassurance. “You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s possible…I am a little defensive about this stuff, about not being more experienced. Which is on me. I just want…”He sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. What did he want? “I just want you to be my partner, not always my teacher. If that makes sense.”
Ben nodded. “Yeah, that makes sense, Lex.” His voice still sounded a little sad, and Alexei felt guilty, but now that he was saying things, he wanted to keep going, before he lost his momentum.
“Another boundary I’ve been realizing I need”—he reached his hands out to Ben’s body again—“is for you to be clear with me, if you can. Like…me not figuring out you were gay, even though I probably should have.”
“Lex.” Ben’s face twisted. “I really am sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“No, I know; I promise I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’ve just been thinking about it, and realizing I should try to explain. That sometimes it feels like…I don’t know, my brain doesn’t work like other people’s. So I just…need you to be clear about things. About what you want. About things that are happening.”
Ben said, “Okay,” softly, kindly, like he understood. But Alexei bit his lip.
“I feel like I just told you to not tell me things and then told you to tell me things.” He sighed. “I’m sorry.” Deciding to be difficult in the middle of sex. Maybe this was what sex with Alexei was like without the lubrication of alcohol.
“No, Lex.” Ben ran his knuckles over Alexei’s temple. “It makes sense. Thank you for telling me. I’ll try to be better.”
Alexei shook his head. “It’s not about you being better. You’re great, Ben. It’s just…”He flopped a hand around between their chests. “Me.”
Ben grabbed that hand, kissed the tips of Alexei’s fingers. “I like you,” he said. “All of you.”
“Did I just totally ruin the mood?”
“Well, considering we are both still naked, on a big-ass bed in a real hotel…”Ben drew Alexei’s thumb into his mouth, sucked on it for a second before releasing it with a pop, and Alexei’s dick was immediately at attention again. “And also considering I find you telling me important things incredibly sexy…”Ben ran a finger through Alexei’s chest hair. “Yeah, no.”
Alexei smiled. “Good. Because I really, really want you to fuck me.”
Ben smiled back, slow and wolfish, and Alexei felt rather proud of himself. But before Alexei could enjoy more of that smile, it was gone. Because Ben was suddenly halfway down Alexei’s body, his mouth on Alexei’s dick, and yeah, okay. Alexei probably should have known Ben wasn’t straight, for sure, when he did this in Big Bear City.
A moment later, those two fingers returned to where they had been before, and Alexei could barely breathe. It hurt a little, when Ben entered a third finger, but the hurt barely registered in Alexei’s brain, eclipsed by everything else, by Ben’s mouth and tenderness and, God, this sweet music he was playing. It took effort to make Alexei’s mouth work, to tell Ben he was ready, before he came too early.
Ben kneeled between Alexei’s knees to put on the condom, to reach for the lube again, and Alexei watched, fascinated by every little bit of Ben’s body, by how radical it felt, letting himself observe and want and see. And then Ben was lifting Alexei’s legs, higher, higher, and Alexei laughed, and Ben smiled and said, “Trust me, it’s all about the angle.”
And then Ben was looking at him, serious, anAlexeikind of look, and Alexei nodded, and after some adjustments, some small, murmured instructions, Ben was inside.
Even after Ben’s fingers, it felt tight, but once he was finally, fully in, Ben stilled, looking down at Alexei openmouthed and panting, holding Alexei’s thighs, waiting. Alexei reached out to rest his palms on Ben’s chest. To feel his heartbeat. His hands traveled up to cup Ben’s face, pressing a thumb inside that open mouth, because he had liked that before, and Ben moaned, his eyelids drooping closed, some of his restraint breaking. What a wild thing, Alexei thought, as Ben sucked on his fingers, as his body tilted in this strange position, to still be learning new things about your own body, nearly thirty years after you were born with it.
“Ben,” he whispered. “Ben, it feels good. You can let go.”
