“That just sucked back there.”
“Yeah.”
They were both quiet.
“You know what didn’t suck, though,” Ben said, looking at Alexei again, and Alexei could see it. That little, resilient flicker of life in Ben’s eyes. His Ben, pushing past the anger, pushing past everything, to make Alexei smile. “You. Before all that dumb stuff happened.” He pulled on their clasped hands, bringing Alexei closer. “Striptease Lex.”
Alexei bit his lip. “It was just a second,” he protested.
Ben tilted his head. “Maybe that could be your trail name. Striptease.”
Alexei rolled his eyes, dropping their hands.
“Technically, you started it,” he said.
“Technically, Al and Giovanni did.”
Alexei laughed. In the haze of his memory, he remembered the old men in their hot spring introducing themselves to Ben. It felt good to remember them.
“That one guy was very happy to discuss all his ailments with you.”
They stepped back onto the trail. Alexei took the lead.
“Old people love a nurse. Giovanni’s probably fit as a fiddle, though. Although his jointsdidfeel godawful.”
Alexei smiled to himself, remembering the way Ben had examined Giovanni’s knuckles. They had about five miles to the campsites. He was glad to be moving again.
“I wish I could’ve said something back to those guys,” Ben said ten minutes later. Alexei’s lungs deflated, sad Ben was still focused on it. “Defended us. But I just…went blank.”
Alexei stuck his trekking poles in the ground. Right, left, right.
“Sometimes,” he said, “there’s nothing you can say to someone who’s already decided to hate you.”
Silence. Until, miserably: “I hate that.”
“I know, Ben.”
“I’m glad Leslie was there. I’m glad you talked to her.”
“Yeah,” Alexei said. “Me too.”
Alexei could practically feel it in the following silence, how hard Ben was working to find more words, something else to say to make it better.
“Let’s finishAlannatonight,” Alexei said after several beats. “We’re so close to the end.”
A long exhale behind him.
“Yeah,” Ben said. “I would love that, Lex.”
***
Alexei stared into the dark, listening to the cadence of Ben’s breathing, the gentle lapping of Deep Creek. The swaying of the cottonwood they were camped near. Quiet noises of the desert at night that were starting to feel so familiar.
What did feel strange was sleeping in a tent that wasn’t his. Ben’s tent wasn’t meant for two people, either, but it was a different style, a few inches wider than Alexei’s, and Alexei would take it. They had arranged their sleeping bags side by side after eating dinner. They’d talked a little. Kissed a little, gentle and sweet. And now Ben slept next to him, curled up into the depths of his bag.
But while Ben slept, Alexei’s mind buzzed.
He reached for his journal, his pen.
