Ben broke eye contact, looking across the water. “You should figure out your boundaries, Lex.”
Alexei furrowed his brow. “Boundaries?”
“Yeah. What you’re comfortable or not comfortable with. Like kissing in public or not. That kind of stuff.”
“Oh.” Alexei bit his lip.
“You don’t need to figure it all out now,” Ben added. “And if you’re just not into public displays of affection, that’s okay, too. There’s no one perfect way to do any of this.”
Ben was being nice. Patient. As always. But…Alexei wished, suddenly and furiously, that he didn’t need this hand-holding. That Ben wouldn’t have to be worried about Alexei’s boundaries, because Alexei could simply be like he was in Big Bear City. Carefree. Acting on his desires.
He knew he’d messed up with the kiss by the quails. He knew he’d messed up at every juncture probably. But he didn’t want Ben to hold back. And it felt like that was what he was doing. Alexei wanted Ben, the full, smiling, laughing Ben.
But when he opened his mouth to explain that, the words stuck in his throat.
“All right, Lex. Come on.” Ben was smiling at him as he stood, but it still didn’t feel right. Anxiety crawled under Alexei’s skin. It felt like he had just opened his whole heart—as much as Alexei had ever opened it to another person—and Ben had hardly reacted.
“The trail awaits,” Ben said over his shoulder as he made his way out of the pool. Alexei watched him go, frowning, until, with reluctance, he followed.
Chapter Sixteen
Back on dry land, Ben and Alexei attempted to dry themselves with the miniature towels they each had in their packs. Alexei searched for dry underwear, trying to think. Everything that had happened in that hot spring had felt important, monumental to Alexei. But he probably just hadn’t explained it well enough. He never did.
“Hey,” Ben said. “Spot me for a second?”
Alexei looked up. And before he had fully comprehended what Ben was asking, Ben was yanking off his wet underwear. Alexei’s brain clicked off.
In a flash, Ben pulled on new underwear and shorts, leaning over his pack to retrieve his sunscreen.
“I’ll spot you?” He shook the bottle. “Or watch our stuff if you want to go find a more private spot?”
Ben sounded totally normal, but Alexei could see it. The way he was pressing his lips together. Probably biting the inside of his cheek. Trying not to laugh at the fact that Alexei had very clearly just stared at his dick.
And once Alexei’s brain clicked back on, he felt like laughing, too.
Ben had been quick and discreet. They were actually relatively well hidden in this small copse of trees. Half of the other folks in their vicinity were nude. And it felt good, helped ease Alexei’s anxiety, to see Ben laughing again.
Ben began to apply sunscreen to his nose and cheeks.
Alexei stared at him. And suddenly, he was picturing it. If they were both eighty. Returning to this very spot. Alexei already had a receding hairline; he would definitely be the bald one. He pictured Ben’s long hair, just as it was now, pulled back into a bun but painted in grayscale, full of flecks of white and silver. His eye crinkles would turn into the loveliest wrinkles, a face deepened by a life lived helping people, a life spent being true to himself.
Maybe Alexei couldn’t always find the right words. Maybe that was okay.
Maybe he had to show Ben instead. That Ben didn’t have to be careful.
Alexei stood and inserted his thumbs into the waistband of his underwear. He stepped out, one foot, the other.
He stood naked in the sunlight and threw Ben a shy smile.
Ben’s hands froze mid-application of sunscreen to his forearms.
It was only a few seconds, probably, before Alexei pulled on his dry briefs. His face was on fire. But he was smiling. Alexei felt good.
Before he reached for his shirt, he jutted his chin toward the small bottle in Ben’s hands.
“Can you put some on me?” he asked, quiet but sure.
Ben took a slow breath before he stepped forward. “Yeah?”
