And how deeply he didn’t know how to do that.
Ever since leaving his parents’ house that day, Alexei realized now, he had been living day to day. He just needed to get through each day, dragging himself out of bed, dragging himself to work, and then, after he was laid off, to the gym, to REI, to the post office, knocking things off his checklists. He just needed to get to the PCT.
And while he’d told himself his journey on the PCT would help figure out his future, that future seemed rather shortsighted suddenly. Where he would live next. A new job, new things he could try, wherever that was.
But what about the whole life he wanted to have? The overarching point of it all?
Who did Alexei want to be when he was eighty?
He startled when Ben’s knee nudged his own some time later. He must have fallen asleep. He looked up at Ben from underneath half-closed eyelids.
“Hey, sleepyhead.” Ben was sitting up, smiling down at him. He’d put his wet hair back in its bun. Which meant it would be extra wavy later at camp when he took off the elastic to readjust it. “We should probably move on soon if we want to make it to those campsites.”
Alexei tilted his chin in acknowledgment. His guidebook promised a couple nice, legal sites a few miles farther up the trail, under willows near the banks of the creek.
Their naked friends had left.
To Alexei’s surprise, he felt a pang of regret. That he hadn’t talked to them. That he hadn’t been able to say good-bye.
He thought of the cross on the bald man’s chest. It had both comforted and intrigued him.
Next time, he promised himself. The person he wanted to be would ask more questions next time.
Alexei and Ben lingered in the water, even though Alexei knew they should move on to make it to the campsites before it got dark, like Ben said. Alexei was also pretty sure staying in water this hot for this long wasn’t good for you, especially in the desert.
He stared back up at that single cloud.
What, exactly, was keeping him from Ben Caravalho?
What was in his spreadsheets, in his lists, that said he couldn’t have this?
How would he live to reach naked-hot-springs-kind-of-eighty without learning how to let himself have things?
“You’re always so patient with me, Ben,” he said quietly.
Ben frowned.
“It’s not hard, Lex. I’m not, like, extra patient or anything.” He shrugged, looking away. “I just like being around you.”
Alexei’s heart swelled.
“Ben,” he said. “You’re just…”He splashed a hand in the water in slight frustration, breaking the peace of the pool. Why couldn’t he ever speak the right words out loud? But Ben laughed at the splash, frown disappearing. So Alexei did, too. “The best,” he finished.
Ben caught his eye, gave him a small, private smile.
Honesty. He could do this.
Alexei sat straighter, finally raising his shoulders out of the water so he could do this properly. “Ben,” he said again. He took a deep breath. “I want you so much.” He knew Ben probably already knew this, what with Big Bear City, and the quails, and everything, but holy crap, it was different saying it out loud. On purpose. “But I’m scared. I’m new at…everything, really. So I’m scared you might have to keep being patient, and I don’t know if that’s fair to you. But I want…”He searched around his brain again for the right words. “To try. Being more than hiking partners. With you. If you still want to.”
Ben studied him. His smile had faded as Alexei talked, his face betraying nothing while Alexei waited for his response. Like Ben was being careful. Hiding something. Which felt odd. Had he changed his mind? Oh God.
“When you kissed me before,” Ben eventually said, “by the quails. Was that the first time you’d ever kissed a man in public?”
“Yes.”
“But in Big Bear City, that wasn’t your first time—”
“No.” Alexei blushed.
