Ben was almost fully unconscious when Alexei nudged his shoulder.
“Um, I think you should maybe get your tent? So it doesn’t blow away? And secure your pack?”
Ben groaned, for much more annoyed reasons this time. He had finally gotten comfortable. Well, as comfortable as was possible with most of his ass still hanging off Alexei’s mattress pad. But Alexei was right. Leaving all his stuff out there had been a dumbass move.
“But”—Alexei’s voice turned hesitant once more—“can you come back?”
Ben was a doomed fool.
“I promise,” he said.
Chapter Fifteen
The quails pushed Alexei over the edge.
The trail felt reassuring again the next morning, almost normal again: one foot in front of the other, one foot behind or in front of Ben.
Except, of course, that things weren’t really normal at all.
Ben Caravalho was gay.
Gay gay gay.
Even though it wasn’t a complete surprise—the more Alexei had thought about that night, the more he knew his reaction the following morning had likely been irrational—Alexei still felt slightly stunned by the news anyway.
There was just…so much Alexei had never let himself believe. So much he’d never trusted.
He knew this development was good. No, it was incredible.
He also knew it hadn’t been the right thing to do, asking Ben to stay in his tent before Alexei had given him a true answer about anything, but it had been so deeply, overwhelmingly wonderful. The idea, even now as they walked, that Alexei could possibly turn to Ben and hold his hand, that Ben would possibly want him to, that he could lean his head against Ben’s shoulder, that he could turn and brush his lips over—
Alexei was terrified.
Would their relationship only last until Canada, if they pursued this? What if it didn’t last even that long? Canada was still so far away. Alexei cared about Ben so much. What if Ben got sick of Alexei at some point?
Wouldn’t that break his heart?
Alexei realized the sound of Ben’s footfalls behind him had fallen quiet. He turned to see Ben hunched on his heels, taking a photo of the red and orange blooms on a torch lily.
Wouldn’t it be worth it?
God. No one had ever liked him back before. It had felt okay, admitting his desires to himself when Ben was only a fantasy, but now that it was real, now that Alexei could actually, potentially, truly have him—
They kept walking.
Maybe, Alexei reasoned, he could have Ben and still have Alexei 2.0. He could still take time alone to write in his journals, make his lists and his plans. Ben would give him all the time he needed if Alexei asked. And then he could still fall asleep next to Ben and touch his face and—
Nashville. Ben lived in Nashville. Alexei lived…well, Alexei would be living somewhere after this.
But he needed to reach that decision, where hissomewherewas, on his own.
And what if he didn’t figure it out? What if it was only when they reached Canada and Ben returned happily to Nashville that Alexei finally admitted he was more lost—more alone—than ever?
And then Alexei saw the quails.
Actual quails. A wholecoveyof them. Alexei counted eight. No, nine. Good gravy,ten.
He stopped dead in his tracks, thrusting out an arm in case Ben tried to walk past him.
