Alexei giggled first.
Laughing felt so good. By the time Ben was fully settled, the tension from the night hike had finally faded out of his system.
They found themselves facing each other, chest to chest, noses almost brushing in the darkness. Ben had turned off his headlamp for good, chucked it into a corner of Alexei’s tent. He could only barely make out Alexei’s eyelashes, the curve of his cheek. But he felt him everywhere. Ben was pretty sure he was still shivering, the chill of the desert night still ever present, but Alexei’s body heat crept in, inch by inch, warming him through.
“I can’t believe you were night hiking alone,” Alexei said, voice almost a whisper. “Please, Ben, never do that again.”
Ben nodded, a small sign of assent. His hands were balled into fists, trapped between their chests.
After a minute, Alexei sucked in a big breath.
“So, you—” he started. “I mean, do you—”
A quiet exhale.
Finally: “You like me?”
Ben counted to three to calm himself before saying, as even and sincere as he could, “Yeah, Lex. I like you.” He couldn’t help but add, because he was exhausted, and tired of not being honest: “You don’t even know.”
Alexei remained still, hands tucked under his head. Ben could practically hear the gears turning in his brain. He wanted to reach out a thumb to that forehead. Tell Alexei whatever he was feeling was okay.
But he could only wait.
It’s not a bad decision to be happy.
Ben was so tired.
His eyes had drifted closed when Alexei spoke again.
“I meant it, too,” he said, voice stronger now. Ben’s eyes blinked open. “The other night. I think…I think it was probably the best night of my life. And I’m sorry I left that morning, Ben. I didn’t know…”He took a deep breath. “I didn’t believe you could actually feel that way. About me.”
Ben bit the inside of his cheek. He wanted to celebrate this admission, accept this apology. But he heard the hesitation in Alexei’s voice, too. Waited for thebut.
“Well,” he said. “I do.”
Alexei cleared his throat.
“And just to…clarify. You would want…more of that. That night. If I wanted it.”
Ben knew he couldn’t deny it, good decision or not. He groaned. “Fuck, Lex. Yes.”
“Um.” Alexei’s voice sounded a bit breathy now, and fuck if it didn’t drive Ben wild. But whatever they were doing here still felt very fragile, and Ben would die before he violated Alexei inside this tent again. He tried very hard to think of the least sexythings he knew. Dryer lint. Wet socks. Cat litter. “Okay,” Alexei continued after another throat clear. “This is…a lot for me. Is it okay if I take some time to process it?”
“Of course,” Ben said. And then he lifted a shoulder, still trying to calm himself. “In the words of the great Unk, we can walk it out.”
Silence.
“The great Unk?”
Ben released a small, sleepy laugh. “It’s not weird you don’t know Unk, Lex. If anything, it’s weird that I do.”
“I missed you,” Alexei said.
Ben closed his eyes. “I missed you, too.”
“I would love to walk it out with you, Ben.”
If Ben hadn’t been so exhausted, he could have cried in relief. He still didn’t really know what the hell they were doing, but they could keep walking together. And at the moment, that was all Ben cared about. The last two days of walking without Alexei had been awful.
