Ben ran his fingers along the small700tattooed just underneath the bird’s breast.
“I wanted something to remember the trail by. I know seven hundred miles isn’t close to twenty-six hundred, but it’s still more miles than I’d ever walked in a row before.”
“But”—Alexei frowned—“I don’t…we didn’t even see that many juncos.”
Ben was quiet a moment, still staring down at his arm. It had felt right, when he’d talked about the design with the artist. When the needle had bit into his skin. It really had felt like something he’d done just for himself. He smiled every time he looked at that damn bird.
But eventually, he went with the truth.
“You think they’re pretty,” he said.
Alexei gaped at him.
“You remember I said that? That was…”Alexei shook his head. “Ages ago.”
“Of course I do, Lex,” Ben said. “I remember everything you say.”
He pulled the shirt back down over his arm. A second passed; Ben tried to remember what he’d been saying.
“Is it okay if I stand up for this next part?” He was already standing as he asked, shaking out his hands, ready to do this now.
He stood in front of Alexei, holding that basket of candy in his arms, and part of Ben worried about this next part. As he had worried during the entire plane ride here. As he had worried all morning while he set up his lights and his cranes. That thiswastoo much. That Alexei might have moved on at this point. That he might not want Ben back anymore.
But then he thought about thatte amoin Alexei’s last letter, thatsempre, and he pushed forward.
“Lex,” he said, “I didn’t tell you a lot about my history with relationships before, but it hasn’t always been great. I’ve been going to therapy this summer, working through some things.” Ben licked his lips, swallowed. “I’ll be honest, when you left that night in Nashville, I went to a dark place at first, because…I was so tired of it, Lex. People breaking my heart. But all summer, and in therapy, I kept thinking about how you made me feel when we were together. How it was the total opposite of Robbie. He was—” Ben scratched the back of his head. “The worst one. But I started to feel like maybe I should start…taking charge? Of my own heart. Work at it more, keeping the love I want. And what I really want is still you, Lex.”
Alexei’s face was doing…so many things. He was totally crushing that cheap Dollar Store basket in his hands.
“I don’t regret telling you I loved you that night, Lex, after Jaco’s party,” Ben pushed on, feeling stronger now. “Even though, in retrospect, I should’ve chosen a better time to tell you, than when we were…you know. But I don’t regret telling you then, because I was just so fucking happy that night, Lex.” Another annoying lump in his throat made him pause, take in a short breath before he could continue. “So happy. But—you never gave me a chance to do it better. You never let me take you on that date. So I came here, and I did this”—he waved a hand at the trees—“because I love you. But I did it for me, too. Because like I said, I wanted to. And I’ve been punishing myself for too long for wanting things. So I’m going to try to stop doing that now.”
He placed his hands on his hips. Let them fall. Unsure how to end the speech.
“So. That’s about it,” he said. Even though it wasn’t. He had more to say. But he needed to hear Alexei’s response first.
“Ben,” is what Alexei eventually said. He put the wrecked basket on the bench next to him, leaned over as if in pain, hung his head in his hands. Ben watched his back rise and fall a few times as he inhaled, exhaled through his fingers. Finally, Alexei sat back on the bench and said, exasperated, “God, Ben, would you come here?”
Ben hesitated for only half a second.
And then his knees were hitting the old wooden bench, resting alongside Alexei’s hips, his hands cradling Alexei’s face, Alexei’s beard scratching Ben’s thumbs. Alexei grabbed Ben’s thighs, anchoring him, so they didn’t both topple off this bench into the Columbia.
And before Ben could hardly catch his breath, Alexei’s mouth collided with his. One of Alexei’s hands reached around, gripping Ben’s ass, and as their tongues collided, it reminded Ben so much of that very first time back in Big Bear City, when Alexei was so sure and confident and Ben had wanted to sink into him forever. It was surreal and achingly familiar all at once, kissing Alexei Lebedev again. It filled Ben up, left him dizzy and breathless and hot.
Alexei broke away too soon to kiss Ben’s forehead, his eyelids, the tip of his nose.
“I love you, too, Ben Caravalho,” he breathed into Ben’s neck, just below his ear. “I love you so much. God, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you that before I left.”
Ben’s entire chest seemed to cave in. Maybe this was what swooning felt like.
“Okay,” he said, breath hitching as Alexei’s hands traveled under his shirt, his mouth sucking on Ben’s neck, and shit, fuck, Ben was dying. He put a hand on Alexei’s chest, forced himself to push back. Alexei looked at him, eyes bright and hungry, mouth still open. “Okay,” Ben said again. “Here’s my next question, then.”
Alexei blinked, closed his mouth with a swallow.
“How’s Alexei 2.0 coming along?” Ben asked. “Has he decided where he’s going to move?”
Alexei blinked some more, brow creasing.
“I saw your lists, in your journals,” Ben explained, voice gentle. It almost felt like a dream, remembering falling asleep next to Alexei in his tent as Alexei wrote his lists.
